UUFO: shiny object sighted all at sea

what on earth? oh wait, this is a uufo and, by definition, not from this fashion-able earth. such shiny objects in the atmosphere, as you may know, are usually stars or other celestial objects, and the good thing about these kinds of objects is that sooner or later, they spontaneously combust, leaving nothing but a little gas behind. hopefully, that will be the fate of at least the crotch-patch jeans and icky-sticky silver shirt on this uufo here.

kabhi kabhi alvida kehna

i knew rani was a multi-talented, multi-disciplinary person. but i didn't think she'd show it off quite so literally in her outfits. a fisherman's net, a medieval knight's armor and a plastic surgeon's smile, dear rani, don't really suit your sunny personality. then again, maybe you can catch the compliments (if any) in your net, ward off barbs with your armor and please the people with plastic all the time too.

bald is not beautiful

what's happening here?
a: sunny deol is wearing a big wig.
b: sunny has a big bad shiny patch front and center he's trying to hide.
c: i'm glad i'm not asking the above question in person, in front of him. do you see the clenched fist and the pocket-game going on with the other hand? he seems ready to sock the next person who points out the obvious. oye praaji! you work in the greasepaint and false hair biz. surely there must be a better role model for your hair than dev anand himself from guide?

a sleeping dog awakes

after much goading, pushing and prodding from my loyal fans (total number: 1), ishtardust is finally awake. apologies for the long hiatus and a promise to keep it going, on a regular basis from here on.

mission kim-possible

i could say kim sharma resembles the genus equus more than homo sapiens. but that would be oversimplifying things. i mean, whoever heard of a horse going to a spray-on tanning studio? and an indian horse at that? but let me not be so insulting any more...to the horse, i mean.
as for perizaad, i think she ought to go back and look at bollywood calling and stop trying to take herself or her couture so seriously.
dahlings, i'm tempted to say something about a 10-lb bag of onions from the local grocery store, but in the interest of not getting too personal, i will refrain from doing so.

comedic couture from the cretaceous era

okay, okay, i admit that bit about dino (as in dinosaur) morea and the cretaceous era is a little obscure, but in the interest of alliteration, i couldn't resist it.
but what in the name of t. rex is dino wearing? and is this what "fashion week" is represented by? i'm going to see a circus next week, and i'm sure all the clowns there have picked up a fashion hint or two from this ensemble, but other than the bozo pictured here, i can't imagine any sane person walking the streets, much less the ramp, in something like this. unless of course they want to laugh their pants off.

one more flew over the cuckoo's nest

hair horror alert: high risk.
ornithologists of the world rejoice. the definitive guide to birds of the world (abridged version) has just been published, and what's more you can wear it anywhere. and look hawt, hawt, hawt. at least that's what bobby deol would have you believe in this latest fashion disaster he's strutting around in. to say he's gone cuckoo would, i think, be unkind to the cuckoo, don'tcha think?

dracula redux

i can kind of, sort of understand the dazed look on amrita arora's face. i mean, have you ever seen the bloodsucking count of transylvania emerge from his coffin and immediately sport dazzling smiles for the camera? it takes time to adjust your blinkers to the light, y'know.
so yes, i can understand the dazed face. but what about the caked face? is the art of make-up lost in bollywood? can you not lay foundation to your face without making it look like you're hoarding dough for your birthday cake for next year? are our actors so underpaid? then again, i don't know that amrita does work and does get paid. i, at least, have not seen her on screen in the recent past. as for what she's got on, i'm not sure what it is. part gold-plated armor, part garden fence-trellis, complemented by a bedhead full of hair is not my idea of haute couture. but if it pays her bills, i'm the last one to object. maybe then she can have her cake (off her face) and eat it too.

hair alert: severe

a few days back, i had devised a completely original and ingenious system of advising the public of hair horror attacks of unimaginable proportions. (i was very disappointed to recently learn that some obscure government agency called the department of homeland security uses a similar system to alert the public of potential terrorist attacks.) as it turns out, that warning about zayed's horrific hirsute situation turned out to be not an isolated incident. in light of this new, startling, alarming and continuing evidence, i have no alternative but to raise the hair horror alert level to severe. ladies and gentlemen, i believe we have a problem of king-kongish proportions here. the public is advised to gaze at zayed at its own risk.

warning: photoshopped fake ahead

darlings, word is that there is a mallika sherawat look alike doing the rounds these days. sans make-up, and with clothes that cover her body. in multiple layers. and so artless is this fake that she goes around with a name tag plastered on her jacket. i mean, are we so gullible that we are to believe that mallika--she of towel fashion fame, of myth-ical proportions--would ever present herself in public and so shamelessly cover herself up? i am going to uncover this mystery, my friends. stay tuned.

international house of pancakes comes to india

ila arun, she of the gargantuan bindis, garish costumes and guttural groans passing off as song, was never seriously going to give kate moss or even our own deepika padukone a run for their fashion sense. but here, darlings, she seriously takes the cake. or should i say pancake? because, what else can explain that mud pie on her visage? and all that pewtery fake jewelry? darling, take a page out of bappi "the bling king" lahiri if you want to adorn yourself with "gorge your eye out" accessories. and avoid the re-melted stainless steel look. oh, and if i were you, i would wash that film of dirt off my face first, excuse my bluntness.

is chunky funky?

the rest of ms. mirza is, quite unlike our previously-featured, multi-chinned (minus one) walking bling factory, not at all chunky. what i'm curious about is whether those king-kong sized shades are hiding some grocery-bag sized droops under the eyes or was it just a case of sever fashionitis? in any case, someone ought to tell her that oversized scuba diving gear is not needed when breathing the air above ground. then again, if mumbai air doesn't suit her delicate constitution, she should at least attach an oxygen tank to her scuba goggles.

diet bappi?

is it the slightly long-distance shot? is it the overdose of talcum powder? is it the red vest? whatever it is, this seems to be bappi lite, as slimmed down a version of our favorite lahiri as you have ever seen. yes, there is now one chin less to be accounted for by the equation (# of overfed subsaharans x gold production in kinshasa = bappi lahiri + 3 tummies + 13 chins). but fear not, the quantity of bling on bappi's body has gone up to more than compensate for the apparent optical illusion of weight loss in our favorite bengali plagiarist, oops, i mean, music director. does he or does not make a striking picture, ladies?

hair horror advisory system

first it was hrithik, then jackie shroff, then bobby deol. and now, zayed. it certainly seems now as if there is a systematic ploy to destabilize the gazing public by thrusting all types of hirsute horrors upon them. i am taking it upon myself right now to devise and issue a hair horror advisory system that will provide the public adequate warnings of such impending hairy attacks.

LOW: low risk of gorilla-like hair growth
GUARDED: not yet an unshorn pomeranian, but close to m.f. hussain's follicle follies
ELEVATED: significant risk of hair growth to levels of anil kapoor's body hair
HIGH: high risk of ignoring the existence of barbers and hair stylists
SEVERE: king kong is here

zayed, alarmingly enough, seems to have come out of nowhere and emerged in the HIGH risk category. the public may be alerted to the fact that they can use any instrument at hand, including garden shears, to alter the hairscape of said subject so that no further horrors may be inflicted upon them.

the fallacy of bhagat singh

i'm pretty sure if the director of "the legend of bhagat singh" had seen bobby like this before casting him, he would've gone for his stiffer-but-more-macho brother for the role instead. was bobby trying to blend into the theme that those heart-shaped balloons in the backgroun played out to? maybe he just delivered some flowers and kept the wrapping paper to cut into a shirt? oh, and it looks like he could still use some help locating a fine coiffeur. here, take.

talcum powder. or else!

these UUFOs are actually bright little stars and starlets in tollywood and kollywood. and the reason they're bright is because they forgot to put on their talcum powder (now you know why they do it). but that's not why i feature them here. ignore the pink-sheathed one for now. i mean the one in the middle. what do you think the pink-shirted one was thinking? that he could steal his grandmother's dining table cover, have his tailor convert it into a chemise and all would be kosher? talking of grandmothers, did our UUFO-in-white-on-the-right steal her hair idea from that same grandmother? i mean, ringlets from scarlett o'hara's era? i know that fashion-wise, the south still is a couple of centuries behind bollywood, but still, ringlets????

trashion with UUFO

garbage bags seemed to be one of the themes of the day at the poonawala derby recently. have a dekko at this uufo, for example. i couldn't have tied a better knot on a Glad trash bag. I didn't know they come in that attractive blue color though. and, i must admit that her "hat" could also be a ziploc bag, or a mini-trash bag, the kinds you use in the office or bathroom.

a slip of the slip

is that urmila? didn't she used to have better fashion sense? phato-ed jeans are one thing. patches came and went too. but lace? on jeans? was she infected by shekhar "transparent lace shirt" suman's fashionitis? if she really wanted to get away with it though, she should've worn a face mask, although those gargantuan glasses almost do the job.

the bad-shah of blah blah fashion

ladies and gentlemen,
lace is in. especially transparent lace. especially when it's paired with a many-holes-in-one pair of ragged jeans. especially if you're the king of kitschy talk shows. then again, shekhar suman is a one-in-a-billion motormouth. so i doubt his variety of fashionitis is infectious. then again, if the options on the rack beside him are any indication of his choices, he probably couldn't have done any worse than with what he has on now.

jackie "out-of-mind" shroff's out-of-body experience

zaheer abbas looks exactly as i pictured he would: dapper, well-dressed and assured in his style. can't say too much about m'lady either. however, jackie shroff is a study in disaster, if there ever was one.
whose body did he think he was in? just because he has long, ugly hair like hrithik doesn't mean other bodily characteristics transfer to him by default. a paunch-hugging jacket does not a middle-aged belly flatter. and scuba shades would be better used to cover up the windbags under the eyes. and what is with that hair, man???? in case you missed it, here are links to more than a dozen barbers in and around mumbai. go see one, and send me the bill if you like. but please, spare us the torture any longer.