Friday, December 30, 2005

separated at birth?

the proof, they say, lies in the pudding. in this case, it's evident in the number of puddings, pies and other assorted high-caloric foods that bappi lahiri and adnan sami have consumed since parting at birth. it's evident in the number (approximately 14 each at last count) and size (approximately equal to the land mass occupied by sri lanka) of their chins. it's evident in the size of their stubby fingers (approximately the size of a baby's foot). there is one way though to tell these identical twins apart: bappi sports more gold on his body than is mined every year in kinshasa.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

and then...

and then again, she can deign to look as divine as this.

ash-horror-ya rai

was this before she had a fashion consultant, do you think? or was this with an eye to the future, to make sure i had enough fodder here? whatever the reason, it seems to me that she must have been known then as "eyesore ya" rai.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

curtain call

is jackie shroff taking hints from scarlett o'hara? if he actually cut and made sleeves from his curtains, that's commendable. however, it's still inexcusable that he's wearing a curtain-turned-bathrobe over white sheets coupled with a black pyjama from 1985. for a wedding, no less. then again, this was for fardeen's wedding. enough said.

unlike mother, don't like daughter

yes, purple is a nice color, especially in a sari. no, purple is not a nice color, especially on your face, especially when it clearly demarcates where the make-up ends, and where some good-looking skin begins. and no, having blonde streaks does not cover it up. nor does the fact that you do have some good-looking skin underneath the crayola.
esha, even if you can't act, at least do justice to your parents' looks, will you?

Friday, December 16, 2005

who took away the no entry sign?

on his wedding day, fardeen khan is just:
(a) constipated
(b) petrified
(c) itching to get out his violet satin teletubby sack
(d) didn't have time to visit the barber
(e) all of the above

don't they have a dress code for weddings? at least for the groom? who took the no entry sign away? did natasha know before hand this is how he was going to look on d-day?
questions, questions, questions.

exactly what is his lakshya?

preface: this is what hrithik wore to fardeen's wedding.
maybe that is sufficient excuse for the inelegance of his clothes. but what is the reason for his ape-imitation? somebody tell him tarzan has been remade umpteen times and nobody's asking him to audition for it now.
it can't be his wife. suzanne's looking quite radiant if a little puffy. She's even successfully -- and more to the point, elegantly -- hiding her bump. i will, for the moment, ignore her cutting up elmo the purple dinosaur to make a purse. but what reason does dear hrithik have for the "i'm grumpy and i want to throw a tantrum" look? oh, and you know what, i count six pockets on him--two on his jacket, and four on his jeans--is that not enough space to put that annoying cell phone away from sight? why does every tom, dick and hrithik have to flaunt it? since when did it become a fashion accessory?

love, actually

i was initially only going to comment on the necklessness of the couldn't-have-been-more-wrongly-named "boney" kapoor. but his (inexplicable but still his) wife's gorgeous looks, and his own not-too-shabby sartorial style make me bite my tongue just this once. not only is sridevi looking stunning, but that look of love she's bestowing on boney once again speaks to the mysterious ways in which love, actually, works.
okay, before i go too gooey, i'm outta here with this parting advice for boney: maybe you can find something to cover that expanded pelican's gullet protruding between your collar and your chin? because, frankly, attractive it is not (hint: turtleneck).

Thursday, December 15, 2005

the myth: mallika's face

there's something vaguely familiar behind those gigantic black barricades. there are some faint outlines of a chin, some cheekbones...oh wait, it's a face! and it's mallika's face too!! i guess you never notice that she does have a face too, because of...well, you know what i mean. it's like,'s like bappi lahiri's neck. there are reports that he actually does have one, but you can never see it underneath the 4-5 (or whatever the current number of) chins he sports.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

one for posterity

no words needed. one to cherish.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

wedding day tip: avoid eye shadow

i've heard of dark circles under the eyes. i've heard of hectic wedding days. but i've never heard of, or seen, till now dark circles under the eyes that cast a shadow all the way below the waist. on a wedding day. but zayed on his wedding day seems to be living (if quite sleepy and hungover) proof of this. oh, and that razor and barber, could someone send them over to zayed's place after they're done with jackie shroff?

phir hairy pheri

razor (n.): a sharp blade-like instrument, typically used to cut and eliminate unkempt facial hair, especially when unsuitable to gentlemen's faces. available everywhere in manual and electric models.
barber (n.): person who wields a razor to good effect for facially-fashion-challenged gentlemen, for a very affordable fee. available everywhere.
jackie shroff (proper n.): name of person who seems to be unaware of razor or barber.

zebra crossing with paanwalla and uncle

seriously, what is wrong with amisha? first she was spotted with blonde hair that looked more fake than a botox-enabled smile. now she wants to pretend that dressing up as a zebra is high fashion. Standing next to a button-popping mithun (notice his waist) looking like something the cat just dragged in is not redemption enough. As for the salt-and-pepper uncle standing next to the past-sell-by-date disco dancer, it turns out that's amisha's boyfriend. I know women have this thing for older men, but there must be younger specimen available out there surely?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

neither krisna nor superman

it's obvious why he can't be the former. but i would think vivek oberoi has seen enough movies and / or read enough comics to know superman doesn't have brown hair from a bottle. or wear jeans over a t-shirt. or not wear red underwear over his pants. or forget he's wearing glasses while looking stupid in streaky brown hair with a sports jacket over a superman t-shirt paired with tired looking jeans, and holding hands with another guy. who--and i'm going to scream at the next picture that i see this in--like every freakin' celebrity in bollywood is holding a cellphone in hand. i mean, did they suddenly stop making pockets? do you not have the time to put it there and take it back out when you get a call? rajiv rai redeems himself slightly by going with the smarter, if less attractive, option of having no hair instead of having it look like burnt seaweed.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

bappi unplugged

the man who sang pyaaaaaaar chahiye mujhe jeene ke liye apparently has been indulging in a little more than love methinks. those love handles certainly didn't grow on love. but seriously, i'm happy to see the king of disco and all unoriginal hindi music is alive and well. and given this picture, it's a miracle that he is. but you know what, all is forgiven for the person who gave us the one and only disco dancer. except maybe a tight-fitting t-shirt. (then again, can anything fit him loosely?) then again, maybe it's thanks to the t-shirt that we're spared the sight of chins #3 and #4. also, can someone please ask him to stop pretending he's in a toothpaste ad?
all joking apart, this vision is going to haunt you many a night, isn't it? :-)

class shows

a few days back we saw the inimitable ms. azmi in a not very flattering light. if i rubbed some of her fans the wrong way with that post, here's the shabana i believe we're used to seeing. there is a reason why she's above most mortals in bollywood. and the look in her eyes says as much. "you're privileged to photograph me." whereas mandira bedi seems to be avoiding looking at the camera in the hope that nobody will see the saffron robe pretending to be a sari, or the handle of the bag from the vegetable mandi around her neck. oh wait, is that part of her blouse?! as for rageshwari, let's just ignore her, shall we?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

until they make replaceable heads...

i have no idea who this is, but i have an excellent idea for what she should not be: visible in public like that. i swear her caked-up face seems to have been screwed on to the backless-choli rest of her that even more clearly demarcates where the mud-cake ends and where real skin begins. it would have helped immensely if somebody showed her this picture before she ventured out to scare people, but i guess you can't have your cake on your face and see it yourself too.

desi-perate housewives

parameshwar godrej, i always knew, never had an ounce of fashion sense in her. but i would have thought the diva of trashy literature would do better than to bare her arms and then sport an amulet and a tattoo on it. the only redeeming feature of this trio is shabana, but this sideways pose with that camel-like look on her face accentuated by her cropped hair does not flatter her at all. makes me wonder where these ladies are going to land a few years from now when no amount of botox can help.