Friday, December 30, 2005

separated at birth?

the proof, they say, lies in the pudding. in this case, it's evident in the number of puddings, pies and other assorted high-caloric foods that bappi lahiri and adnan sami have consumed since parting at birth. it's evident in the number (approximately 14 each at last count) and size (approximately equal to the land mass occupied by sri lanka) of their chins. it's evident in the size of their stubby fingers (approximately the size of a baby's foot). there is one way though to tell these identical twins apart: bappi sports more gold on his body than is mined every year in kinshasa.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

and then...

and then again, she can deign to look as divine as this.

ash-horror-ya rai

was this before she had a fashion consultant, do you think? or was this with an eye to the future, to make sure i had enough fodder here? whatever the reason, it seems to me that she must have been known then as "eyesore ya" rai.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

curtain call

is jackie shroff taking hints from scarlett o'hara? if he actually cut and made sleeves from his curtains, that's commendable. however, it's still inexcusable that he's wearing a curtain-turned-bathrobe over white sheets coupled with a black pyjama from 1985. for a wedding, no less. then again, this was for fardeen's wedding. enough said.

unlike mother, don't like daughter

yes, purple is a nice color, especially in a sari. no, purple is not a nice color, especially on your face, especially when it clearly demarcates where the make-up ends, and where some good-looking skin begins. and no, having blonde streaks does not cover it up. nor does the fact that you do have some good-looking skin underneath the crayola.
esha, even if you can't act, at least do justice to your parents' looks, will you?

Friday, December 16, 2005

who took away the no entry sign?

on his wedding day, fardeen khan is just:
(a) constipated
(b) petrified
(c) itching to get out his violet satin teletubby sack
(d) didn't have time to visit the barber
(e) all of the above

don't they have a dress code for weddings? at least for the groom? who took the no entry sign away? did natasha know before hand this is how he was going to look on d-day?
questions, questions, questions.

exactly what is his lakshya?

preface: this is what hrithik wore to fardeen's wedding.
maybe that is sufficient excuse for the inelegance of his clothes. but what is the reason for his ape-imitation? somebody tell him tarzan has been remade umpteen times and nobody's asking him to audition for it now.
it can't be his wife. suzanne's looking quite radiant if a little puffy. She's even successfully -- and more to the point, elegantly -- hiding her bump. i will, for the moment, ignore her cutting up elmo the purple dinosaur to make a purse. but what reason does dear hrithik have for the "i'm grumpy and i want to throw a tantrum" look? oh, and you know what, i count six pockets on him--two on his jacket, and four on his jeans--is that not enough space to put that annoying cell phone away from sight? why does every tom, dick and hrithik have to flaunt it? since when did it become a fashion accessory?

love, actually

i was initially only going to comment on the necklessness of the couldn't-have-been-more-wrongly-named "boney" kapoor. but his (inexplicable but still his) wife's gorgeous looks, and his own not-too-shabby sartorial style make me bite my tongue just this once. not only is sridevi looking stunning, but that look of love she's bestowing on boney once again speaks to the mysterious ways in which love, actually, works.
okay, before i go too gooey, i'm outta here with this parting advice for boney: maybe you can find something to cover that expanded pelican's gullet protruding between your collar and your chin? because, frankly, attractive it is not (hint: turtleneck).

Thursday, December 15, 2005

the myth: mallika's face

there's something vaguely familiar behind those gigantic black barricades. there are some faint outlines of a chin, some cheekbones...oh wait, it's a face! and it's mallika's face too!! i guess you never notice that she does have a face too, because of...well, you know what i mean. it's like,'s like bappi lahiri's neck. there are reports that he actually does have one, but you can never see it underneath the 4-5 (or whatever the current number of) chins he sports.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

one for posterity

no words needed. one to cherish.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

wedding day tip: avoid eye shadow

i've heard of dark circles under the eyes. i've heard of hectic wedding days. but i've never heard of, or seen, till now dark circles under the eyes that cast a shadow all the way below the waist. on a wedding day. but zayed on his wedding day seems to be living (if quite sleepy and hungover) proof of this. oh, and that razor and barber, could someone send them over to zayed's place after they're done with jackie shroff?

phir hairy pheri

razor (n.): a sharp blade-like instrument, typically used to cut and eliminate unkempt facial hair, especially when unsuitable to gentlemen's faces. available everywhere in manual and electric models.
barber (n.): person who wields a razor to good effect for facially-fashion-challenged gentlemen, for a very affordable fee. available everywhere.
jackie shroff (proper n.): name of person who seems to be unaware of razor or barber.

zebra crossing with paanwalla and uncle

seriously, what is wrong with amisha? first she was spotted with blonde hair that looked more fake than a botox-enabled smile. now she wants to pretend that dressing up as a zebra is high fashion. Standing next to a button-popping mithun (notice his waist) looking like something the cat just dragged in is not redemption enough. As for the salt-and-pepper uncle standing next to the past-sell-by-date disco dancer, it turns out that's amisha's boyfriend. I know women have this thing for older men, but there must be younger specimen available out there surely?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

neither krisna nor superman

it's obvious why he can't be the former. but i would think vivek oberoi has seen enough movies and / or read enough comics to know superman doesn't have brown hair from a bottle. or wear jeans over a t-shirt. or not wear red underwear over his pants. or forget he's wearing glasses while looking stupid in streaky brown hair with a sports jacket over a superman t-shirt paired with tired looking jeans, and holding hands with another guy. who--and i'm going to scream at the next picture that i see this in--like every freakin' celebrity in bollywood is holding a cellphone in hand. i mean, did they suddenly stop making pockets? do you not have the time to put it there and take it back out when you get a call? rajiv rai redeems himself slightly by going with the smarter, if less attractive, option of having no hair instead of having it look like burnt seaweed.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

bappi unplugged

the man who sang pyaaaaaaar chahiye mujhe jeene ke liye apparently has been indulging in a little more than love methinks. those love handles certainly didn't grow on love. but seriously, i'm happy to see the king of disco and all unoriginal hindi music is alive and well. and given this picture, it's a miracle that he is. but you know what, all is forgiven for the person who gave us the one and only disco dancer. except maybe a tight-fitting t-shirt. (then again, can anything fit him loosely?) then again, maybe it's thanks to the t-shirt that we're spared the sight of chins #3 and #4. also, can someone please ask him to stop pretending he's in a toothpaste ad?
all joking apart, this vision is going to haunt you many a night, isn't it? :-)

class shows

a few days back we saw the inimitable ms. azmi in a not very flattering light. if i rubbed some of her fans the wrong way with that post, here's the shabana i believe we're used to seeing. there is a reason why she's above most mortals in bollywood. and the look in her eyes says as much. "you're privileged to photograph me." whereas mandira bedi seems to be avoiding looking at the camera in the hope that nobody will see the saffron robe pretending to be a sari, or the handle of the bag from the vegetable mandi around her neck. oh wait, is that part of her blouse?! as for rageshwari, let's just ignore her, shall we?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

until they make replaceable heads...

i have no idea who this is, but i have an excellent idea for what she should not be: visible in public like that. i swear her caked-up face seems to have been screwed on to the backless-choli rest of her that even more clearly demarcates where the mud-cake ends and where real skin begins. it would have helped immensely if somebody showed her this picture before she ventured out to scare people, but i guess you can't have your cake on your face and see it yourself too.

desi-perate housewives

parameshwar godrej, i always knew, never had an ounce of fashion sense in her. but i would have thought the diva of trashy literature would do better than to bare her arms and then sport an amulet and a tattoo on it. the only redeeming feature of this trio is shabana, but this sideways pose with that camel-like look on her face accentuated by her cropped hair does not flatter her at all. makes me wonder where these ladies are going to land a few years from now when no amount of botox can help.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

fashion tip: don't ask a sippy

a few days back, we'd seen rohan sippy parading his (lack of) fashionability. turns out it might not be his fault at all, and he gets his couture sense from his dad (featured above) and his walking zari factory companion, a.k.a. kiran joneja sippy. what possessed her to show off her ... umm... shall we just say resemblance to a creamy barrel draped in a tube of gold foil?
here's an idea for any good samaritan fashion designers in india: do some pro bono work. form a society for prevention of cruelty to the paying public. stop such fashion disasters before they can actually happen. provide some good free advice.
then again, how would i get fodder for ishtardust otherwise?

Taj Mahal: One more attempt at reviving sagging careers

the two leading ladies from akbar khan's new movie have one thing in common, apart from being in the movie itself. their careers have been on life support for a while now, and they were hoping this would provide them a shot in the arm. unfortunately, there are some natural obstacles to such a miracle: a smile that could well encircle the taj (pooja batra), and a face that looks like it just received special treatment from bee stings and wasps (kim sharma). as for the french flag draped around pooja, and the diaphanous silkworm trap that's wrapped around kim, the less said the better.
p.s. can someone confirm that the silkworm trap on the right is indeed kim? i don't if it's the bee stings or what, but i am not able to say for sure if that's who it is.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

where do ex b-starlets go when they become ex-?

anybody remember who this is? does the name sheeba ring a bell? or awaken any painful nightmares? i was originally going to say so this is what happens to b-starlets, but maybe this is why things happen to b-starlets. sheeba looks like she's just awakened from a refreshing rip van winkle-sized siesta with vampires. what's next? a mahurat shot with dracula?

eighty plus, and still losing it

it gives me pain to be disrespectful to the elderly, but wouldn't it be nice if the elderly--like this particular fossil-in-the-making pictured here--would pause for a moment to stop and consider how much pain they cause merely by dressing up and appearing in public like this?

madame tussaud's--2

hot on the heels of kareena...wait, couldn't have been hot, or she would have melted. anyways, darlings, right behind the new bebo wax doll unveiled at tussaud's comes one of bips. you have to admire the handiwork of the artist, whoever it was that did this. look at the hairline where the forehead ends--you can see how carefully he or she's placed the wig. and the eyelashes, they're so fake, they almost look real. as for the shiny cheeks and the perfect little bags under her eyes, even the real bips couldn't have emulated them in real life as neatly after a night out on the town with john. don't you think?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

no vacancy at madame tussaud's

y'all know how madame tussaud's been getting more and more crowded these days (case in point: kareena making her entry there as pointed out previously on this blog). well, apparently ash's wax replica decided it didn't want to stay there anymore when it was not just the world's most beautiful people housed in it. and walked straight into zayed khan's wedding . if you ask me, she resembles a nightmare more than a vision here, and a nightmare that just sleepwalked into the party too. wake up and smell the roses, ash, before it's too late!

"brum brum maadu"

in southern india, you'll see these colorful street "musicians" playing their nadaswaram, leading a very colorful cow or bull. "brum brum" is symbolic of the sound the nadaswaram produces, and "maadu" = cow / bull, hence the name brum brum maadu. the bull's "clothing" is a patchwork quilt of scrap pieces of cloth that its owner collects as alms as he wanders around, playing his music and collecting his livelihood in return for being told to go away. here's my question: did ayesha takia steal her ensemble from a brum brum maadu. if not, how long did it take and how many houses was she driven away from before she collected this patchwork quilt? because, obviously, this could not be the handiwork of any reasonably endowed designer, could it?

new at madame tussaud's--1

i've heard of plastic smiles, but to make your whole body appear as if it's made of wax? now that takes special talent, don't you think? as for her hair, hopefully bebo washed it in the recent past, because to me what it resembles is pepe le pew's bushy tail than a starlet's coiffure.

Friday, November 18, 2005

main hoon na?

now you see her, now you don't. seems like the look that amrita rao is going for here is what's ordinarily called an optical illusion. perhaps she thinks that if you look at her from a certain angle, this fashion disaster that's draping her will go away. somebody should tell her that geometric shapes are better left in high school, and there are certain other...shapes that she needs to accentuate, and with something that bears closer resemblance to a dress.

the mask of sorrow

identify the person in this picture:
(a) the phantom of the opera
(b) the phantom
(c) the little girl from The Ring, grown up
(d) former Ms. World, Aishwarya Rai

Okay, I've heard of actors making sacrifices for their art, but nowhere does it say that you must be turned into a sacrificial goat at the altar of avant garde photography. does it, ash?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

tum kis liye paida huay ho?

can he say "hai dance mere lahu ki ravaani mein?"
can he say "say deeeeeeeeeeeee?"
can he prove a worthy son?
if his dress sense is any indication, mimoh chakraborty, son of the vone and vonly mithun has a long way to go.

jimmy jimmy aaja aaja

maybe he couldn't inherit his father's charisma and ishtyle, but couldn't he at least afford a haircut and decent shirt?

oh, where have you gone when we need you most, jimmy?

Sunday, November 13, 2005


what's wrong with this picture? let me count the ways.
just because you're the new beauty soap queen doesn't mean you can have waxed, arched eyebrows. or wear a hoop. or shave so closely that it looks like you've waxed your face. oh, and beauty queens in the bathtub don't use a piece of charcoal for a bindi. and the clothes--i'm glad this is not a full-length that would ahve shown off that montrosity in all its ingloriousness.

shahrukh, we know kuch kuch hota hai sometimes, but these days it seems to be more of kabhi gham than kabhi khushi.

Friday, November 11, 2005

identical twins?

look closely. if you took the facial hair off one and lipstick off the other, those facial features begin to look very similar. and then start moving downwards. both of them are wearing positively dowdy clothes. one's used dishcloth for his trousers while other seems to have draped the tablecloth over a pair of jeans. and note the embarrassed "heh, heh" kind of half-smile, half-groan emanating from both of them. i mean, i've heard of couples starting to look like each other as they grow older together, but shekhar and suchitra seem to have it down to a ridiculous science, emphasis added.

one flew over the turkey's nest

so this thanksgiving turkey thought it was escaping a harrowing time this year by migrating to bollywood. little did it know that its appointment with yama had already been fixed. as if mere death was not enough, some humiliation was also added to its fate. oh yes, it had the small satisfaction of walking all over mahima chaudhry (proof: the pawprints on her chest, neck and lips), but ultimately, it was plucked, and dressed. what is even more unfortunate is that mahima misunderstood the meaning of the word dressed in this context: somebody ought to tell her that it actually means undressed. and also that painted turkey feathers and footprints don't count as a "dress."

Thursday, November 10, 2005

ode to sequins

you know by now that i have no qualms about calling a spade a spade. in the same vein, i can appreciate a good thing when i see it. oh you all may not agree with me, but i think sush looks quite gorgeous here. it's partly the smile, partly the absence of any traces of jackie chan's cosmetician, and partly that sequined top. there is that certain je ne se quois about her here that's making her glow. and making me glow about her. quick, somebody pinch me.

not Page 3 material

the last i remember seeing soni razdan was in the movie page 3. i don't remember her trying to get into ISKCON then. is she chummy with uma bharti these days? what's with the saffron and the tilak? and that hair! could she not find a few hours to make it look less like the end of an elephant's tail after it's been through a mud bath? here's a news flash, soni: if you continue to look like this, you're not going to make it to page 3 any longer, if you ever did.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

rohan sippy: never come in front of the camera

there's a reason directors/producers are always behind the camera, not in front of it. it's the same reason you never see their sons in front of cameras either. case in point: rohan sippy (above), s/o ramesh sippy. yes, the ramesh "sholay" sippy. he graduated from stanford and spent a year in nyc, but apparently none of the fashion sense of those places rubbed off on him. take for e.g. the walrus mustache. it's called that because it looks much better on walruses. and then that shirt. did he steal it off govinda's back while the latter was shooting something with karishma in 1991?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

kal talcum powder ho na ho

I want to find out the name of the make-up artist who's doing the rounds these days for all our stars, including, as you can see, King Khan. there are three possible explanations for the pasty white face: (1) you put on "south indian" make-up (= talcum powder up to the adam's apple) (2) you shaved on a cold wintry morning but forgot to apply aftershave (3) you're a part of a cricket team that insists on looking like a clown whether you play in visakhapatnam or johannesburg. since i know for sure #3 is not the case with SRK, i wish he'd tell us which of the other two reasons applies to him.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

A quick brown fox jumped and landed on Rekha

some more questions for rekha:
do you know what you have on your head?
does PETA know what's on your head?
does levi's know what's on your head is not denim by any stretch of imagination?
do you know it's still alive?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Khamoshi: The less said the better

Manisha knows. You can see it in her eyes, on her face. In her "what was I thinking exposing that bit of flab?" midriff. In her what is that thing that is tied into a knot in front of her shirt. In her what-the-hell-am-i-doing-in-cargo-pants cargo pants. In her silent acceptance of her unabashed frumpishness.

Raat ki Rani

I don't know if Rani is a vegetarian, but that's no reason to grow a garden on your head, and wear coconut bark for clothes. I don't care if this is her idea of blooming in the night. It's just wrong. And it needs to be nipped in the bud right now.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Tumne shirt kyon pehna?

i knew there was a reason our sallu is mostly seen shirtless. because his tastes in shirts is appalling. but cunningly enough, he stands next to people who look worse than him, and thus distracts looks from his shirted chest. somebody should tell him though that nothing escapes the eagle eye of little old moi, darlings.

there should be a lagaan on lagan

no matter how attached you are to somebody, do you have to match your hairstyles? or look equally frumpy? and kiran, i know you're not a fashion-conscious marquee starlet, but that sari looks like something you picked up at the local palika bazar. and the glasses from chandni chowk. and aamir bhai, much as i'm a fan of your acting, here's a fashion tip for you: lagan ki jagah lagan mein rehne do. don't take fashion tips from her though. varna lag jayegi mehengi lagaan.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Bathroom rug ho to aisa

Not to be outdone by Mallika "Towel" Sherawat, Shilpa "the-baseball-captain-and-karate-blackbelt" Shetty decided she could go one ru(n)g lower on the fashion ladder. And all this with just *ONE* bathroom rug (available at Wal-Mart for 88 cents -- I bought two recently). Look at all she's got out of it -- a bustier, bracelets and a choker. And I thought you could only wipe your feet on a rug.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Hairy Pheri

Alright, I will admit that those wireless-phone Oakleys look good. But they'd look good on my face too if only I could afford them. But more to the point, how does a salt-and-pepper stubble, a what-the-hell-do-you-call-that-hair and an "el stupido" look on your face accessorize such a classy pair of shades? I think it would take more than a hair fairy to undo this hera pheri.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The fine line between eye candy and eye sore

Granted Arjun Rampal has not had much to his name except earn a name as more attractive eye candy with his shirt off than Sallu. But, darling, when you do put some clothes on, don't make it look like faux snake skin in Barbie-colored fawn print. It won't even start a trend in pajamas.

Main Crouching Tiger Banna Chahti Hoon

I don't know if Ramu has forsaken the successor to Urmila's throne, but even if he has, that's no reason for Antara to turn into a hidden dragon. Unless Ramu's taken to designing her clothes himself.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

oh sush, tum aise kyon hoon?

After making the sari sizzle like never before in Main Hoon Na, you had earned the people's mandate to take it where people had never seen it before. But did you forget that you were supposed to take the rest of you with it as well, especially your face? Did Jackie Chan's cosmetician do your make-up? Did you go back to your Hyderabadi roots and just splash on some talcum powder as you woke up and walked onto the ramp?

ash, one word: isshhhhhhh!

As a self-appointed maven, let me spell out some basic fashion flavas for your ex-Ms. World:
Straight hair goes with....straight hair.
A purple trenchcoat does not a complete wardrobe make, especially with shiny black boots.
And that look on your face is better left to Milla Jivovich in her Revlon ads.
But to give credit where it's due, the photographer's done a good job of lighting and mood. The subject is not his/her fault now, is it?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Madame X-actly what were you thinking?

Before I jump to conclusions, tell me that is not a parajumper's jumpsuit. It is? Okay, then at least tell me that's not a fishing net draped over the re-moulded piece of luggage pretending to be couture. It is? Then at least tell me that is not Rekha. It is?