Friday, October 27, 2006

umrao ki jaan kahaan gayi?

oh where are the days when rekha didn't look like she was coming out of mourning, or coming out to mourn? where have the days gone when she was still 50+ years old but never looked it? where have the days gone when she would at least weigh herself down with all of bappi lahiri's gold but would wear a smile in addition? i know we can't yearn for rekha to look like she did in umrao jaan again. but must we now get used to this?

from the diary of bebo, redux

i know people associate curtains and tablecloths with grandmothers. but look at maria in the sound of music. i mean, she tore down the curtains and made clothes for herself and ALL the kids. or look at scarlett o'hara (never mind that gone with the wind is a 100 years old). now, that was a spunky lady, who, in the face of bad times, tore down the curtains at tara and made herself new clothes to woo her man. so why can't i do the same? do you think shahid would say "frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn?"
can you keep a secret, dear diary? personally, i don't think baby-face can say anything like that to my face. i think he's secretly scared of me, and i like to keep it that way.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

uufo ka chamatkar: is the shirt half in or half out?

'member jekyll and hyde? my fashion designer (ha, ha.) thought it'd be kyool to bring that to life again. right from the fluffed-up pickpocket hairdo of 1990's anil kapoor vintage to the symmetrically different halves of the shirt. notice how the right half of the shirt is crumpled and tucked out (whaddya think of that for a phrase with a difference?). and the left one is sauve and genteel like govinda in a safari suit. if you look closely, my differently-directed eyes might also give you the impression that i am london-looking, tokyo-talking. it's all part of the look, yaar.
and no, i'm not sheezofrenick.

spotted: leopard in disguise

let's get the minor blips out of the way first. yes, it is called a clutch, but must she actually, really clutch it with both hands as if (a) she's about to pass the baton to p.t. usha? (b) she's about to give rahul dravid some catching practice?
more importantly, though: what the heck was she thinking donning the leopard sack? what was the criterion? that some shade of the brown off the leopard's back would match a shimmer of her hair? or her double-fisted clutch? is that at least faux leopard skin? or are we to believe that preity accompanied salman on his deer-hunting trip and got herself a bonus on the side?
ethically or aesthetically, dear preity, being spotted in leotards might actually be better for you than being spotted in leopard skins. that's all i have to say.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

tales of the uufo: the multifariously nefarious belt

from yesterday's lost & found section of the classified:
# missing: exercise belt, chrome (1), silver-coated pewter (1); misplaced after shooting completed of rocky IV. will reward if found with rarely used dentures. respond to sly stallone, los angeles, ca.
# missing: chromepet chrome blue lungi, patched with sports page of the Hindu, with pink chamanti glued on to it. also white banian. pl. 2 call mylapore madanakamarajan. cell: 9841175567. free rickshaw ride in return.

the new face of armani: droop dawg uufo

'sup y'all. here y'go.

it's all about melancholy,
that's life's folly.
(chorus: unh, hunh.)
a smile's so over-rated,
so don't get so elated.
(chorus: unh, hunh.)
's not about the cut of the fashion,
this suit's all about function.
(chorus: unh, hunh.)
my style is right on the money,
no less a body says so than armani.
(chorus: unh, hunh.)

p.s. i don't know the capless dude on my left. he's just a nobody.

feroze's fashion fundas

today's lesson is on shades:
when you spend a life dazzling and being dazzled, what you don't want to do is cover those sources of brightness. the flip side of allowing all that sunshine near your eyes is that you can encounter unmanageable shrubbery immediately north of your eyes. that's where you can break pieces off the solar panels from your friendly neighborhood observatory and stick'em where you don't want any celestial or earthly bodies to see you.
stay well.

Monday, October 23, 2006

the chunky horror show: part deux

letter to twinkle twinkle:
a few months back, i treated you to a new me, and you called it Experiments with Scuba Gear as Fashion-ccesories. i decided to forgive you by showing that i have a whole pirate's chest full of similar gear. here, let me push my auburn tresses back so you can ogle at it better. don't you just love how even if i became really chubby (not that i want to), i'd still be able to wear these and not have to worry about bags under the eyes after long nights of partying? not that i have to worry about those ever. i know my eyes pop a little weirdly out of these shades, but i'm talking to my opto...umm, you know those eye doctors, about it. so i'll have that fixed soon. but i do hope you love these deep-sea shades. anytime you want to jump into my deep-as-the-ocean beautiful eyes and lose yourself in them, just let me know, and i'll call in the fork-lift to have them taken off.

return of the pink panther: the bengali version

i'll give bipasha one thing: neither peter sellers nor steve martin could carry off a pink tutu. but what's up with the rest of her? from whither did the misshapen shades fit into the facial facade? what daft hair-dresser advised her that bunny ears were the next hot hirsute statement? and the layers of talcum powder! bips, you know that your appeal lies totally in your dark, smoldering looks. the dark complements the smoldering in a way that the talcum powder is now completely pouring cold water on. please, please, spare us such experiments in the future.

new anil kapoor release: my clothes' murder

i'll grant him that he's inside the studio, perhaps taking a break between takes. i'll even grant that those ugly black shoes are his at-work heels, not a deliberate fashion misstatement. (you can see the make-up boy about to hand him his pink keds...anil is always in touch with his feminine side, folks.) but since when did it become haute to wear jeans like riding breeches? and anil, it's great to see that you've given up on life on the gorilla-side, but do you really need to show proof of it with that low-cut blous...i mean shirt? do you realize it's actually cut so low that we can see the Return of the Dense Undergrowth? and what's up with the belt bling? and no, that smile is not beatific enough to take attention away from the rest of your tacky ensemble. not by a long shot.

a brief thank you...

to, among others, beth who loves bollywood and daddy's girl, for the linkage, commentage, and other miscellany-age that shows this blog's readership is not restricted to one person in new delhi, one in schaumburg, illinois, and one in detroit, michigan (you know who you are).