Monday, November 20, 2006
you know the kind i'm talking about. every indian household has one...whether it's called a bureau, wardrobe, locker, or as it's known in the south, beerva. until now, a godrej locker was only meant to safeguard your valuables and keep them from prying eyes. methinks there's a deeper purpose to it: to safeguard the sanity of those who are suddenly and violently inflicted with the fashion atrocities committed by parameshwar godrej. for the moment, i'm willing to overlook the two extremely uncomfortable looking women in the extremely short dresses. and i'll put down their extreme discomfort to two things: parameshwar's leggings (aarrrrghhhhh!!) and parameshwar's trellis-fence corset/lingerie that is keeping the rest of her from spilling onto the streets. not to mention her amazon-like shoulders with that black armor. and there i will stop, because i do not want to make any personal remarks about her, neck upwards. nosiree. you won't get any comparisons from me about blow-dried horse's manes. or for that matter, about manly looks that would be a lion's pride. i don't hit that far below the belt. will some good samaritan, though, please explain to her the difference between underwear (not to be seen by the unsuspecting public) and outerwear (permissible in society)?
Friday, November 17, 2006
first of all, yes, it is amrita arora. if you took away the anti-glare window panes, you'd be able to see that. then again, maybe amrita is wearing those for a reason. because now that she's been caught with:
- her pants up, but
- she's nipped her shirt short, while
- accompanying it with a necktie that is
- tucked into a wrap-around pinstripe waistcoat with
- stapled-on pebbles from the juhu beach,
amrita can use all the camouflage she can to keep from being recognized.
to be fair to this uufo, i don't think he expected such stiff competition from amrita rao. hence the agitation on his part about being upstaged by her. as evidence, i present the conversation between him and the calming influence of sooraj barjatiya.
blue uufo: WHAT IS THIS? I WANDET TO BE DIFFRANT FROM BHAPPI. THAT'S WHY I SHUNNED ALL GOLD. NOW THIS OOMAN COMES DRESSED ALL IN GOLD.
sooraj b: bhai mere, ooh, it's so nice and soft to the touch here...ahemmm getting back to the point, bhai mere, she is afterall heroine of vivaah. please to leave her alone.
amrita: where is bebo's babyface? why isn't he here to protect me from this blue bouncer?
dear madam sri,
we write to you as representatives of a newly formed social consciousness organization. our message to you is this: just because your husband's name is boney, do you have to show off your own blood-red tipped, boney fingers like that? just because you have a svelte bod, can you shirk your duty towards draping it elegantly? does the fact that your husband can make a button meet both halves of his jacket for once mean you can throw a glittery shopping bag around you and believe it will put the attention back on you, in a positive way? oh sri, we know you're capable of much, much better than this. we've seen it here before. we're not craving for your mr. india days. but at least do stop dressing like you want to be a mr. india instead of a ms. india.
yours in much pain,
concerned citizens for mr. india
Saturday, November 11, 2006
i will let my red-vested tamil friend do the talking here.
what sallu bai. big killadi* you 'ave becomed-a?
three three shirts you are wearing and all. 'ow it is pozible that you can wear no shurt sometime and sometimes you wear three three? only you can do it sallu bai. only you are killadi*!
*killadi: originally khiladi, roughly translates as "player" in more than one sense. from the original hindi "khel" meaning play or sport; khiladi = one who plays.
this past week at lakme fashion week (lfw), everbody's favorite hunk (says who?) paraded new phashion. let me break it down for you.
t-shirt (and girlfriend's floral tights in the background): inspired by everybody's favorite powerpuff girl, blossom.
footwear: inspired by bathrooms everywhere in india (what? you've never heard of them referred to as 'bathroom chappals'?
jacket: retrieved from jackson heights (n.y.) i-day parade, circa aug. 12, 2006 with confetti and tar still tattooed on indelibly.
now, let's go back to blossom. this is what she looks like in reel life.
and now, let's look at her in real life here.
or, for that matter, here.
the defense rests.
back in march this year, bappi seemed to have lost more than just his mojo when we last saw him. the most recent economic report out of kinshasa shows a strong growth thanks to a resurgent demand for gold from a certain mr. lahiri. and, more importantly, Weight Watchers Inc. reports that the same mr. lahiri is NOT an enrolled member in any of its programs. let the 13 chins prevail.
rumors have been rife for a while now about the chakkar between ash and the baby a.b.
what i didn't know was that it had reached such proportions that they'd started sharing objet d'affections. how else do you explain the sudden appearance of the violently pink tie? or ash's hair band from 7th grade on a.b.'s brushed-back locks? if you want to give your jaan to umrao, dear abhishek, that is perfectly fine by me. but can't you find anything more substantial or symbolic to say you are hair over heels...i mean head over heels for her? and don't take off your to shoes show me a pink-painted pinky toe in response. please. enough with the getting in touch with your feminine side already, i say.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
oh where are the days when rekha didn't look like she was coming out of mourning, or coming out to mourn? where have the days gone when she was still 50+ years old but never looked it? where have the days gone when she would at least weigh herself down with all of bappi lahiri's gold but would wear a smile in addition? i know we can't yearn for rekha to look like she did in umrao jaan again. but must we now get used to this?
i know people associate curtains and tablecloths with grandmothers. but look at maria in the sound of music. i mean, she tore down the curtains and made clothes for herself and ALL the kids. or look at scarlett o'hara (never mind that gone with the wind is a 100 years old). now, that was a spunky lady, who, in the face of bad times, tore down the curtains at tara and made herself new clothes to woo her man. so why can't i do the same? do you think shahid would say "frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn?"
can you keep a secret, dear diary? personally, i don't think baby-face can say anything like that to my face. i think he's secretly scared of me, and i like to keep it that way.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
'member jekyll and hyde? my fashion designer (ha, ha.) thought it'd be kyool to bring that to life again. right from the fluffed-up pickpocket hairdo of 1990's anil kapoor vintage to the symmetrically different halves of the shirt. notice how the right half of the shirt is crumpled and tucked out (whaddya think of that for a phrase with a difference?). and the left one is sauve and genteel like govinda in a safari suit. if you look closely, my differently-directed eyes might also give you the impression that i am london-looking, tokyo-talking. it's all part of the look, yaar.
and no, i'm not sheezofrenick.
let's get the minor blips out of the way first. yes, it is called a clutch, but must she actually, really clutch it with both hands as if (a) she's about to pass the baton to p.t. usha? (b) she's about to give rahul dravid some catching practice?
more importantly, though: what the heck was she thinking donning the leopard sack? what was the criterion? that some shade of the brown off the leopard's back would match a shimmer of her hair? or her double-fisted clutch? is that at least faux leopard skin? or are we to believe that preity accompanied salman on his deer-hunting trip and got herself a bonus on the side?
ethically or aesthetically, dear preity, being spotted in leotards might actually be better for you than being spotted in leopard skins. that's all i have to say.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
from yesterday's lost & found section of the classified:
# missing: exercise belt, chrome (1), silver-coated pewter (1); misplaced after shooting completed of rocky IV. will reward if found with rarely used dentures. respond to sly stallone, los angeles, ca.
# missing: chromepet chrome blue lungi, patched with sports page of the Hindu, with pink chamanti glued on to it. also white banian. pl. 2 call mylapore madanakamarajan. cell: 9841175567. free rickshaw ride in return.
'sup y'all. here y'go.
it's all about melancholy,
that's life's folly.
(chorus: unh, hunh.)
a smile's so over-rated,
so don't get so elated.
(chorus: unh, hunh.)
's not about the cut of the fashion,
this suit's all about function.
(chorus: unh, hunh.)
my style is right on the money,
no less a body says so than armani.
(chorus: unh, hunh.)
p.s. i don't know the capless dude on my left. he's just a nobody.
today's lesson is on shades:
when you spend a life dazzling and being dazzled, what you don't want to do is cover those sources of brightness. the flip side of allowing all that sunshine near your eyes is that you can encounter unmanageable shrubbery immediately north of your eyes. that's where you can break pieces off the solar panels from your friendly neighborhood observatory and stick'em where you don't want any celestial or earthly bodies to see you.
Monday, October 23, 2006
letter to twinkle twinkle:
a few months back, i treated you to a new me, and you called it Experiments with Scuba Gear as Fashion-ccesories. i decided to forgive you by showing that i have a whole pirate's chest full of similar gear. here, let me push my auburn tresses back so you can ogle at it better. don't you just love how even if i became really chubby (not that i want to), i'd still be able to wear these and not have to worry about bags under the eyes after long nights of partying? not that i have to worry about those ever. i know my eyes pop a little weirdly out of these shades, but i'm talking to my opto...umm, you know those eye doctors, about it. so i'll have that fixed soon. but i do hope you love these deep-sea shades. anytime you want to jump into my deep-as-the-ocean beautiful eyes and lose yourself in them, just let me know, and i'll call in the fork-lift to have them taken off.
i'll give bipasha one thing: neither peter sellers nor steve martin could carry off a pink tutu. but what's up with the rest of her? from whither did the misshapen shades fit into the facial facade? what daft hair-dresser advised her that bunny ears were the next hot hirsute statement? and the layers of talcum powder! bips, you know that your appeal lies totally in your dark, smoldering looks. the dark complements the smoldering in a way that the talcum powder is now completely pouring cold water on. please, please, spare us such experiments in the future.
i'll grant him that he's inside the studio, perhaps taking a break between takes. i'll even grant that those ugly black shoes are his at-work heels, not a deliberate fashion misstatement. (you can see the make-up boy about to hand him his pink keds...anil is always in touch with his feminine side, folks.) but since when did it become haute to wear jeans like riding breeches? and anil, it's great to see that you've given up on life on the gorilla-side, but do you really need to show proof of it with that low-cut blous...i mean shirt? do you realize it's actually cut so low that we can see the Return of the Dense Undergrowth? and what's up with the belt bling? and no, that smile is not beatific enough to take attention away from the rest of your tacky ensemble. not by a long shot.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
rakhi sawant had better not anger any types of fanatics, especially sourav ganguly supporters in kolkata at this point. with their penchant for burning effigies, they just might pick her up, mistaking her to be made of wax and burn her right away. that is if madame tussaud's scouts don't spot her first and install her in the london or new york museum right away. then again, i think the chipmunks-turned-dolphins tattoo might not make it pass their discerning eye. or the blue tooth--no, no, not the one inside her mouth--the one on her ear.
looks like we'll be stuck trying to figure out if we can make candles out of her or not.
the bard might anon approve, all ye who read this,
of the spackled culottes, or he might fall to pieces
at the diswondrous spectacle of the puffed chemise
unspectacularly covered, but hark, with so poor a disguise,
and partial wrapping as the shrug.
is this , pray tell me, some fashion of thug?
is this to be sprung upon us unsuspecting gentry,
so rudely, so unkemptly, so not gently?
excerpt from the diary of bebo, circa september 2006.
"what? i dare you to look me in the eye and say that you don't like the gauze negligee thrown over my silk nightie. or my completely unnature brunnete looks. or the baby fat arm candy that shahid is. because i bet there is nothing you can pick holes in, as far as my completely phashionable looks are concerned. i'll have you know this was the last, and certainly the best, act in the whole of phashion week, when i paraded manish malhotra's latest sleepwea...i mean, couture. so there!"
Thursday, August 24, 2006
what on earth? oh wait, this is a uufo and, by definition, not from this fashion-able earth. such shiny objects in the atmosphere, as you may know, are usually stars or other celestial objects, and the good thing about these kinds of objects is that sooner or later, they spontaneously combust, leaving nothing but a little gas behind. hopefully, that will be the fate of at least the crotch-patch jeans and icky-sticky silver shirt on this uufo here.
i knew rani was a multi-talented, multi-disciplinary person. but i didn't think she'd show it off quite so literally in her outfits. a fisherman's net, a medieval knight's armor and a plastic surgeon's smile, dear rani, don't really suit your sunny personality. then again, maybe you can catch the compliments (if any) in your net, ward off barbs with your armor and please the people with plastic all the time too.
what's happening here?
a: sunny deol is wearing a big wig.
b: sunny has a big bad shiny patch front and center he's trying to hide.
c: i'm glad i'm not asking the above question in person, in front of him. do you see the clenched fist and the pocket-game going on with the other hand? he seems ready to sock the next person who points out the obvious. oye praaji! you work in the greasepaint and false hair biz. surely there must be a better role model for your hair than dev anand himself from guide?
Sunday, April 09, 2006
i could say kim sharma resembles the genus equus more than homo sapiens. but that would be oversimplifying things. i mean, whoever heard of a horse going to a spray-on tanning studio? and an indian horse at that? but let me not be so insulting any more...to the horse, i mean.
as for perizaad, i think she ought to go back and look at bollywood calling and stop trying to take herself or her couture so seriously.
dahlings, i'm tempted to say something about a 10-lb bag of onions from the local grocery store, but in the interest of not getting too personal, i will refrain from doing so.
okay, okay, i admit that bit about dino (as in dinosaur) morea and the cretaceous era is a little obscure, but in the interest of alliteration, i couldn't resist it.
but what in the name of t. rex is dino wearing? and is this what "fashion week" is represented by? i'm going to see a circus next week, and i'm sure all the clowns there have picked up a fashion hint or two from this ensemble, but other than the bozo pictured here, i can't imagine any sane person walking the streets, much less the ramp, in something like this. unless of course they want to laugh their pants off.
hair horror alert: high risk.
ornithologists of the world rejoice. the definitive guide to birds of the world (abridged version) has just been published, and what's more you can wear it anywhere. and look hawt, hawt, hawt. at least that's what bobby deol would have you believe in this latest fashion disaster he's strutting around in. to say he's gone cuckoo would, i think, be unkind to the cuckoo, don'tcha think?
i can kind of, sort of understand the dazed look on amrita arora's face. i mean, have you ever seen the bloodsucking count of transylvania emerge from his coffin and immediately sport dazzling smiles for the camera? it takes time to adjust your blinkers to the light, y'know.
so yes, i can understand the dazed face. but what about the caked face? is the art of make-up lost in bollywood? can you not lay foundation to your face without making it look like you're hoarding dough for your birthday cake for next year? are our actors so underpaid? then again, i don't know that amrita does work and does get paid. i, at least, have not seen her on screen in the recent past. as for what she's got on, i'm not sure what it is. part gold-plated armor, part garden fence-trellis, complemented by a bedhead full of hair is not my idea of haute couture. but if it pays her bills, i'm the last one to object. maybe then she can have her cake (off her face) and eat it too.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
a few days back, i had devised a completely original and ingenious system of advising the public of hair horror attacks of unimaginable proportions. (i was very disappointed to recently learn that some obscure government agency called the department of homeland security uses a similar system to alert the public of potential terrorist attacks.) as it turns out, that warning about zayed's horrific hirsute situation turned out to be not an isolated incident. in light of this new, startling, alarming and continuing evidence, i have no alternative but to raise the hair horror alert level to severe. ladies and gentlemen, i believe we have a problem of king-kongish proportions here. the public is advised to gaze at zayed at its own risk.
darlings, word is that there is a mallika sherawat look alike doing the rounds these days. sans make-up, and with clothes that cover her body. in multiple layers. and so artless is this fake that she goes around with a name tag plastered on her jacket. i mean, are we so gullible that we are to believe that mallika--she of towel fashion fame, of myth-ical proportions--would ever present herself in public and so shamelessly cover herself up? i am going to uncover this mystery, my friends. stay tuned.
ila arun, she of the gargantuan bindis, garish costumes and guttural groans passing off as song, was never seriously going to give kate moss or even our own deepika padukone a run for their fashion sense. but here, darlings, she seriously takes the cake. or should i say pancake? because, what else can explain that mud pie on her visage? and all that pewtery fake jewelry? darling, take a page out of bappi "the bling king" lahiri if you want to adorn yourself with "gorge your eye out" accessories. and avoid the re-melted stainless steel look. oh, and if i were you, i would wash that film of dirt off my face first, excuse my bluntness.
the rest of ms. mirza is, quite unlike our previously-featured, multi-chinned (minus one) walking bling factory, not at all chunky. what i'm curious about is whether those king-kong sized shades are hiding some grocery-bag sized droops under the eyes or was it just a case of sever fashionitis? in any case, someone ought to tell her that oversized scuba diving gear is not needed when breathing the air above ground. then again, if mumbai air doesn't suit her delicate constitution, she should at least attach an oxygen tank to her scuba goggles.
is it the slightly long-distance shot? is it the overdose of talcum powder? is it the red vest? whatever it is, this seems to be bappi lite, as slimmed down a version of our favorite lahiri as you have ever seen. yes, there is now one chin less to be accounted for by the equation (# of overfed subsaharans x gold production in kinshasa = bappi lahiri + 3 tummies + 13 chins). but fear not, the quantity of bling on bappi's body has gone up to more than compensate for the apparent optical illusion of weight loss in our favorite bengali plagiarist, oops, i mean, music director. does he or does not make a striking picture, ladies?
Sunday, March 05, 2006
first it was hrithik, then jackie shroff, then bobby deol. and now, zayed. it certainly seems now as if there is a systematic ploy to destabilize the gazing public by thrusting all types of hirsute horrors upon them. i am taking it upon myself right now to devise and issue a hair horror advisory system that will provide the public adequate warnings of such impending hairy attacks.
LOW: low risk of gorilla-like hair growth
GUARDED: not yet an unshorn pomeranian, but close to m.f. hussain's follicle follies
ELEVATED: significant risk of hair growth to levels of anil kapoor's body hair
HIGH: high risk of ignoring the existence of barbers and hair stylists
SEVERE: king kong is here
zayed, alarmingly enough, seems to have come out of nowhere and emerged in the HIGH risk category. the public may be alerted to the fact that they can use any instrument at hand, including garden shears, to alter the hairscape of said subject so that no further horrors may be inflicted upon them.
i'm pretty sure if the director of "the legend of bhagat singh" had seen bobby like this before casting him, he would've gone for his stiffer-but-more-macho brother for the role instead. was bobby trying to blend into the theme that those heart-shaped balloons in the backgroun played out to? maybe he just delivered some flowers and kept the wrapping paper to cut into a shirt? oh, and it looks like he could still use some help locating a fine coiffeur. here, take.
these UUFOs are actually bright little stars and starlets in tollywood and kollywood. and the reason they're bright is because they forgot to put on their talcum powder (now you know why they do it). but that's not why i feature them here. ignore the pink-sheathed one for now. i mean the one in the middle. what do you think the pink-shirted one was thinking? that he could steal his grandmother's dining table cover, have his tailor convert it into a chemise and all would be kosher? talking of grandmothers, did our UUFO-in-white-on-the-right steal her hair idea from that same grandmother? i mean, ringlets from scarlett o'hara's era? i know that fashion-wise, the south still is a couple of centuries behind bollywood, but still, ringlets????
garbage bags seemed to be one of the themes of the day at the poonawala derby recently. have a dekko at this uufo, for example. i couldn't have tied a better knot on a Glad trash bag. I didn't know they come in that attractive blue color though. and, i must admit that her "hat" could also be a ziploc bag, or a mini-trash bag, the kinds you use in the office or bathroom.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
is that urmila? didn't she used to have better fashion sense? phato-ed jeans are one thing. patches came and went too. but lace? on jeans? was she infected by shekhar "transparent lace shirt" suman's fashionitis? if she really wanted to get away with it though, she should've worn a face mask, although those gargantuan glasses almost do the job.
Friday, March 03, 2006
ladies and gentlemen,
lace is in. especially transparent lace. especially when it's paired with a many-holes-in-one pair of ragged jeans. especially if you're the king of kitschy talk shows. then again, shekhar suman is a one-in-a-billion motormouth. so i doubt his variety of fashionitis is infectious. then again, if the options on the rack beside him are any indication of his choices, he probably couldn't have done any worse than with what he has on now.
zaheer abbas looks exactly as i pictured he would: dapper, well-dressed and assured in his style. can't say too much about m'lady either. however, jackie shroff is a study in disaster, if there ever was one.
whose body did he think he was in? just because he has long, ugly hair like hrithik doesn't mean other bodily characteristics transfer to him by default. a paunch-hugging jacket does not a middle-aged belly flatter. and scuba shades would be better used to cover up the windbags under the eyes. and what is with that hair, man???? in case you missed it, here are links to more than a dozen barbers in and around mumbai. go see one, and send me the bill if you like. but please, spare us the torture any longer.
first it was maria goretti here and here who couldn't afford clothes. now it appears that bappi lahiri only has money to cover his body with gold but not with a different set of clothes. look at him here in december 2005. and then look at him here (above) a couple of days back at the filmfare awards. i can think of two explanations for this: (1) when he retires at night, by the time he takes off all his bling, he's tired himself out too much to change his clothes. (2) his, umm, proportions don't allow his clothes to be taken off.
maybe someone needs to take a pair of scissors and help him out of those clothes. at least for the sake of the person of indeterminate gender next to him. then again, maybe that's just desserts for whoever that is. serves him/her right for turning up like that at an awards show.
it's a gauze caftan. no, wait, it's a gauze bathrobe with a rickshawalla belt as a special accessory. with the rickshawalla's t-shirt and lungi underneath. yeah, yeah, i know alisha is not a model or actress. all the more reason for her to get some expert advice so she doesn't end up looking like a rickshawalla who's just won the lottery and comes straight out of the bathroom to pick up an award.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
it's a badge badge badge world, guys. take a cue, but not his badges. otherwise he'll unleash himself from the many chokers around his neck and lasso you into submission.
ladies, please send out a note to bappi lahiri and rekha that their position as the supreme dork of goldness has been usurped by a UUFO.
multiple golden leashes. gold pants. and matching golden pointy shoes.
hey diddle diddle,
how about a riddle?
i don't want to sound an alarm,
but what happened to bhansali's arm?
i've heard of many a rip-off,
but i think the man needs a tip-off
that he's been had by his tailor.
oh, and as if it was a trailer
to rani's couture, and pardon me if i'm in the dark, uh,
but isn't that a burkah
that seems to have slipped a few inches
further down into the trenches?
what will we think of next,
i wonder, under fashion's pretext.
there was a time when hrithik exuded charisma effortlessly. now you have to wonder what he does everytime you see his pic. whereas here, kunal kapoor is coolness personified, transitioning his rang de basanti's aslam persona effectively into real life.
whereas you don't really know what hrithik is doing. whispering sweet nothings to kunal? digging for gold? trying to attract attention to his unkempt oily locks (how did those come back???!!) and thus, away from his pink sport jacket. or vice versa. i mean just look at the man.
is this what krrish has done to him?
Monday, February 20, 2006
the thing about amisha is that she seems to be timeless sometimes. as in, this would be horrible couture no matter what is au courant. it's what bappi lahiri would have come up with if he had turned his talent to fashion design. and then just to make a good thing even better, he would melt some of his bodily gold and use it to dye her hair. ye gods! looks like that's what he did here. somebody please verify for me that bappi is still sticking only to making noises and keeping gold merchants busy.
what i had thought to be an isolated case of fashionitis (n., spontaneous combustion of any fashion-related brain cells) in sanjay dutt turned out not to be so. apparently sanju baba went to fashion street, churchgate, and subsequently, went berserk with his collar-baring batik-print blouse shopping. hopefully he knows that the clothes from fashion street are usually the use-once-and-throw varieties. if he washes and wears them again, we could be subjected to some navel-baring nightmares from munnabhai.