Sunday, February 05, 2006

all the mistakes not to make in fashion: the abridged version

a couple of days back, we saw maria goretti, ex-vj, current w/o arshad warsi hanging really loose in a black sack'o spuds. that apparently was not an aberration on her part. here she gives us a quick lesson on every fashion faux pas you can make and how to make all of them at one go.
let's take it from the top.
#1: the smile's nice, not too fake, the hair could've been better, but why the bare neck?
#2: see that blue thing demarcating her torso from things below? what exactly is above it on her torso? it could be a pink spaghetti strap. or beginning of an orange cocktail dress. or a pinkish orange night gown. but let's not jump to conclusions yet.
#3: that blue thing encircling her. call me weird, but i think it's an upside-down papier-mache crown that has slipped a little along with her sense of what goes where on her body.
#4: remember that pinkish-orange apparition on her upper body? well, it continues below her blue crown, but this time it morphs into a yellowish-orange thing. that has a life of its own. so we don't know if it's the lower part of a dress, a patchwork of cloth that's saying "i want to be a skirt when i grow up, but she won't let me," or one of those maternity suits in the making.
#5: wait, that undefinable garment doesn't end there. in the front, it continues to the knee as a diaphanous thing that adds no value whatsoever to anything. in the back, it serves as a floor-sweeper, and aid-to-tripping when people behind you get too close for comfort.
#6: you know that maria used to have a pink poodle, right? well, the poor thing passed away recently, and maria was so attached to it, she couldn't bear the thought of parting with it, even when it went away to that great big poodle house in the sky. so she kept it with her. as her purse. which of course doesn't have any space for her 50-lb cell phone. that would be cruel to her poodle to be asked to carry a cell-phone on top of being dead.
maria, we might report you to the fashion police, but for your pet-concernedness, you can be sure i won't tell on you to the s.p.c.a. or p.e.t.a.

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