Monday, November 20, 2006

where's a godrej locker when you need one?

you know the kind i'm talking about. every indian household has one...whether it's called a bureau, wardrobe, locker, or as it's known in the south, beerva. until now, a godrej locker was only meant to safeguard your valuables and keep them from prying eyes. methinks there's a deeper purpose to it: to safeguard the sanity of those who are suddenly and violently inflicted with the fashion atrocities committed by parameshwar godrej. for the moment, i'm willing to overlook the two extremely uncomfortable looking women in the extremely short dresses. and i'll put down their extreme discomfort to two things: parameshwar's leggings (aarrrrghhhhh!!) and parameshwar's trellis-fence corset/lingerie that is keeping the rest of her from spilling onto the streets. not to mention her amazon-like shoulders with that black armor. and there i will stop, because i do not want to make any personal remarks about her, neck upwards. nosiree. you won't get any comparisons from me about blow-dried horse's manes. or for that matter, about manly looks that would be a lion's pride. i don't hit that far below the belt. will some good samaritan, though, please explain to her the difference between underwear (not to be seen by the unsuspecting public) and outerwear (permissible in society)?

Friday, November 17, 2006

amrita redefines nip + tuck

first of all, yes, it is amrita arora. if you took away the anti-glare window panes, you'd be able to see that. then again, maybe amrita is wearing those for a reason. because now that she's been caught with:
- her pants up, but
- she's nipped her shirt short, while
- accompanying it with a necktie that is
- tucked into a wrap-around pinstripe waistcoat with
- stapled-on pebbles from the juhu beach,
amrita can use all the camouflage she can to keep from being recognized.

bappi lahiri meets karunanidhi

to be fair to this uufo, i don't think he expected such stiff competition from amrita rao. hence the agitation on his part about being upstaged by her. as evidence, i present the conversation between him and the calming influence of sooraj barjatiya.
sooraj b: bhai mere, ooh, it's so nice and soft to the touch here...ahemmm getting back to the point, bhai mere, she is afterall heroine of vivaah. please to leave her alone.
amrita: where is bebo's babyface? why isn't he here to protect me from this blue bouncer?

letter: concerned citizens for mr. india

dear madam sri,

we write to you as representatives of a newly formed social consciousness organization. our message to you is this: just because your husband's name is boney, do you have to show off your own blood-red tipped, boney fingers like that? just because you have a svelte bod, can you shirk your duty towards draping it elegantly? does the fact that your husband can make a button meet both halves of his jacket for once mean you can throw a glittery shopping bag around you and believe it will put the attention back on you, in a positive way? oh sri, we know you're capable of much, much better than this. we've seen it here before. we're not craving for your mr. india days. but at least do stop dressing like you want to be a mr. india instead of a ms. india.

yours in much pain,
concerned citizens for mr. india

Saturday, November 11, 2006

sallu the killadi*!

i will let my red-vested tamil friend do the talking here.

what sallu bai. big killadi* you 'ave becomed-a?
three three shirts you are wearing and all. 'ow it is pozible that you can wear no shurt sometime and sometimes you wear three three? only you can do it sallu bai. only you are killadi*!

*killadi: originally khiladi, roughly translates as "player" in more than one sense. from the original hindi "khel" meaning play or sport; khiladi = one who plays.

jism by john, fashion by cartoon network

this past week at lakme fashion week (lfw), everbody's favorite hunk (says who?) paraded new phashion. let me break it down for you.
t-shirt (and girlfriend's floral tights in the background): inspired by everybody's favorite powerpuff girl, blossom.
footwear: inspired by bathrooms everywhere in india (what? you've never heard of them referred to as 'bathroom chappals'?
jacket: retrieved from jackson heights (n.y.) i-day parade, circa aug. 12, 2006 with confetti and tar still tattooed on indelibly.

now, let's go back to blossom. this is what she looks like in reel life.

and now, let's look at her in real life here.

or, for that matter, here.

the defense rests.

everybody's favorite lahiri is still larger than life

back in march this year, bappi seemed to have lost more than just his mojo when we last saw him. the most recent economic report out of kinshasa shows a strong growth thanks to a resurgent demand for gold from a certain mr. lahiri. and, more importantly, Weight Watchers Inc. reports that the same mr. lahiri is NOT an enrolled member in any of its programs. let the 13 chins prevail.

baby a.b.: when you care enough to share

rumors have been rife for a while now about the chakkar between ash and the baby a.b.
what i didn't know was that it had reached such proportions that they'd started sharing objet d'affections. how else do you explain the sudden appearance of the violently pink tie? or ash's hair band from 7th grade on a.b.'s brushed-back locks? if you want to give your jaan to umrao, dear abhishek, that is perfectly fine by me. but can't you find anything more substantial or symbolic to say you are hair over heels...i mean head over heels for her? and don't take off your to shoes show me a pink-painted pinky toe in response. please. enough with the getting in touch with your feminine side already, i say.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


salman is waiting in the wings. so are mithun, satish kaushik and sridevi. what an eclectic group. but work demands all my time now (yes, unfortunately i can't devote every waking hour to twinkling stars, much as i'd like to...i have to work at a "real" job). but, in the immortal words of arnold switchgear, i'll be back. soon.