Thursday, October 20, 2005

A quick brown fox jumped and landed on Rekha

some more questions for rekha:
do you know what you have on your head?
does PETA know what's on your head?
does levi's know what's on your head is not denim by any stretch of imagination?
do you know it's still alive?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Khamoshi: The less said the better

Manisha knows. You can see it in her eyes, on her face. In her "what was I thinking exposing that bit of flab?" midriff. In her what is that thing that is tied into a knot in front of her shirt. In her what-the-hell-am-i-doing-in-cargo-pants cargo pants. In her silent acceptance of her unabashed frumpishness.

Raat ki Rani

I don't know if Rani is a vegetarian, but that's no reason to grow a garden on your head, and wear coconut bark for clothes. I don't care if this is her idea of blooming in the night. It's just wrong. And it needs to be nipped in the bud right now.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Tumne shirt kyon pehna?

i knew there was a reason our sallu is mostly seen shirtless. because his tastes in shirts is appalling. but cunningly enough, he stands next to people who look worse than him, and thus distracts looks from his shirted chest. somebody should tell him though that nothing escapes the eagle eye of little old moi, darlings.

there should be a lagaan on lagan

no matter how attached you are to somebody, do you have to match your hairstyles? or look equally frumpy? and kiran, i know you're not a fashion-conscious marquee starlet, but that sari looks like something you picked up at the local palika bazar. and the glasses from chandni chowk. and aamir bhai, much as i'm a fan of your acting, here's a fashion tip for you: lagan ki jagah lagan mein rehne do. don't take fashion tips from her though. varna lag jayegi mehengi lagaan.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Bathroom rug ho to aisa

Not to be outdone by Mallika "Towel" Sherawat, Shilpa "the-baseball-captain-and-karate-blackbelt" Shetty decided she could go one ru(n)g lower on the fashion ladder. And all this with just *ONE* bathroom rug (available at Wal-Mart for 88 cents -- I bought two recently). Look at all she's got out of it -- a bustier, bracelets and a choker. And I thought you could only wipe your feet on a rug.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Hairy Pheri

Alright, I will admit that those wireless-phone Oakleys look good. But they'd look good on my face too if only I could afford them. But more to the point, how does a salt-and-pepper stubble, a what-the-hell-do-you-call-that-hair and an "el stupido" look on your face accessorize such a classy pair of shades? I think it would take more than a hair fairy to undo this hera pheri.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The fine line between eye candy and eye sore

Granted Arjun Rampal has not had much to his name except earn a name as more attractive eye candy with his shirt off than Sallu. But, darling, when you do put some clothes on, don't make it look like faux snake skin in Barbie-colored fawn print. It won't even start a trend in pajamas.

Main Crouching Tiger Banna Chahti Hoon

I don't know if Ramu has forsaken the successor to Urmila's throne, but even if he has, that's no reason for Antara to turn into a hidden dragon. Unless Ramu's taken to designing her clothes himself.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

oh sush, tum aise kyon hoon?

After making the sari sizzle like never before in Main Hoon Na, you had earned the people's mandate to take it where people had never seen it before. But did you forget that you were supposed to take the rest of you with it as well, especially your face? Did Jackie Chan's cosmetician do your make-up? Did you go back to your Hyderabadi roots and just splash on some talcum powder as you woke up and walked onto the ramp?

ash, one word: isshhhhhhh!

As a self-appointed maven, let me spell out some basic fashion flavas for your ex-Ms. World:
Straight hair goes with....straight hair.
A purple trenchcoat does not a complete wardrobe make, especially with shiny black boots.
And that look on your face is better left to Milla Jivovich in her Revlon ads.
But to give credit where it's due, the photographer's done a good job of lighting and mood. The subject is not his/her fault now, is it?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Madame X-actly what were you thinking?

Before I jump to conclusions, tell me that is not a parajumper's jumpsuit. It is? Okay, then at least tell me that's not a fishing net draped over the re-moulded piece of luggage pretending to be couture. It is? Then at least tell me that is not Rekha. It is?

Monday, October 03, 2005

jockey mera naam

Oh, now I see that my hairless chest is not as attractive as I thought it to be. What? You don't even like my Calvin-Kleins peeking--okay, jutting--out of my low-rise jeans? What do you mean I'm not a hip-hop star? How come it's okay for her to dress the way she did? What do you mean I'm a guy? What does that have to do with anything?

towel ho to aisa

Find yourself in a hotel in Canada without a wardrobe? No problem. Here's what you do.
Tuck the hand towel into the front of your (top / blouse / shirt / huh?) and let it hang out in front. Take the bath towel and wrap it around sarong-style. Oh, and that pool towel you were using yesterday, tuck it into your behind and let it sweep the carpet like a bride's trousseau. At least that's what Ms. Sherawat did for the Toronto premiere of The Myth.

aap mujhe achche nahi lagne lage

Who wants to tell Hrithik that just because his dad doesn't have any isn't a good enough reason to not cut his own hair?

Oh, and while you're telling him that, could you also tell him that he's supposed to wait till the tailor finishes with his job before wearing clothes? What is that thing he's wearing under his jacket? Methinks it's a cross between a half-tailored vest, with the measuring tape as embroidery, and one of Suzanne's shawls wrapped around under the jacket. Good sense, please don't desert our beloved Hrithik now. Please.

welcome, darlings.

You do know what fun there is in star dust, isn't there, darlings? I mean, Neetu's Natter gave it a whole new meaning a few decades ago. And it just feels like nobody is filling in her shoes effectively these days. Oh come now, don't be shy. Bring out those daggers. Shred your favorite celeb to pieces. You know you want to do it. You know you want to indulge your mean gene. You don't want to do it? Okay, here. Let me do it for you. Oh, and pussycats, if you do want to help, just leave a note with pointers to celebs that you would like put through the shredder. It would be my pleasure turn the switch on. Oh, for such small pleasures do we live. Goodness, are you shocked? What are you doing here then, honey? Move on to lead your sinless life. While I get to work in my own little way to put together a little harmelss fun, and scour the web for jolly Bollywood babes and boys to relieve us of the Burden of Life.