Monday, January 30, 2006

the longer you're married, the more you look alike

i've heard of the question "guess who wears the pants in the family?" but this one begs a different but similar question: "guess who wears the bangles in the family?"
i don't know what's scarier: pallavi joshi carrying her pants in her hands (just in case any further clarification was needed) or the drippy salt and pepper 'stache-only look that hubby vivek agnihotri seems to believe is the height of machismo along with the unmistakably studly four buttons popped open by the paunch ensemble.
pallavi, we loved you in antakshari...wait a minute, no we didn't. you were really annoying in that. let's try again. pallavi, we loved you in...ummm...give me a minute...suraj ka satvan ghoda. but you need to know that you've long outlived that halo. and what you do on tv these days is not enough to distinguish you like before from the hordes of kkkk...muttering starlets. more importantly, it's not enough to distinguish you from vivek, the rate at which you two seem to be exchanging genes and pants.

the salvation of hair-rithik

apparently hrithik is now past his krrish shooting days and is able to go back to his drool-worthy hunk self safely. perhaps he can now focus on getting his beautiful wife the right accessories. what suzanne's holding right now looks like a a golden hundi with the lid at the bottom having fallen off somewhere. gold is always a great accessory, but suzanne, when you're glowing naturally like you are, you don't want a tacky kiddy bank ruining your ensemble. hrithik, now that the haircut is out of the way, maybe you can take her shopping?

research reveals bad sibling fashion gene

aashish chowdhry (whoever he is): "it's okay, sohail. just because your nutty brother salman has a bare chest or kooky shirt only policy, it doesn't mean you have to paint your own dragons onto a tacky shirt. pull yourself together man! he's just your brother, not your fashion role model!"

sohail: "i, proud to wear tacky shirts!"

Friday, January 27, 2006

more UUFO: desi aliens from 3rd rock from the sun

how can you tell these are aliens? let's take them individually, from l to r:
notice how the younger guy alien is sucking his stomach in so hard it might just come flying out of his behind. he doesn't know that it's okay to let it hang, i guess.
the older guy alien clearly forgot that if you don't adjust your bald-head wig properly, the absence of anything underneath shows up rather obviously.
woman alien #1: the blinding blue jacket might function well as a reflector on the sun, but down here on earth, all it reflects is a deer-caught-in-the-headlights dumb gaze and the photographer's flash in her midriff.
as for woman alien #2, it looks like she was in the middle of putting on some more foundation (mostly on her forehead) and the camera caught her off guard. oh, and in the process, her 30-lb hand baggage slipped from her firm grasp.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

uufo: unknown unfashionable objects

what's wrong with this picture? let me count the ways. first, the...umm...guy. (1) badly-dyed blonde hair out of a bottle. (2) second-hand prison jacket, complete with serial number. (3) wrinkled, still wet-between-the-pockets pants. (4) some kind of a wannabe cool t-shirt underneath. and now onto the, let's just say, the other person in the picture. actually i will just point out one thing with her. i do believe it's a her. what warped sense of humor suggested it's fashionable to put a fat black belt on a peasant skirt? which, somebody please tell her that peasant skirts are so 2005.
oh btw, i have no clue who these two cartoons are. if you do, please don't tell me.

behold, the zorabian illusion!

it's a gigantic lava lamp! it's a gigantic polka dot sari! it's perizaad zorabian! it's perizaad trying to turn into a gigantic polka dotted lava lamp optical illusion! at least, i hope that's the idea she had in her head when she came out in public dressed in this hallucination. if not, she needs to watch bollywood calling again for a much-needed fashion reality check. balls! more balls!

of blinding diyas

i'm pretty sure that even kathakali dancers don't wear such colorful lungis off-stage. for diya mirza however, the usual rules don't seem to apply. then again, maybe she is trying to be a kathakali dancer, and that's her mask bulging in her lungi-bag. so i'll even quiety ignore the flourescent human-saffron flower. maybe i just don't understand fashion anymore. maybe it's just me. maybe sallu will keep his shirt on in every movie from now on. maybe hrithik will cut his hair tomorrow. maybe bappi lahiri will lose weight this year. maybe pigs will fly.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

silver foot in mouth

priyanka's looking cute as a button. and our own sassy kareena doesn't seem too shabby either. until you look down at her...POINTY SILVER STILETTO BOOTS!! and you know where she got them from? apparently her uncle rishi kapoor stole'em from mithun right after disco dancer. now that would explain why poor mithunda has never had a hit since. and it also goes a loooooong way in explaining bebo's couture i.q.

beauty and the beast

tacky and cliched as that title is, nothing fits this better. i don't know who the lady is, but her smile is probably the only thing radiant enough to be visible in a room where vinod kambli's jhatang shirt overwhelms all else. exploding sea urchins collide with blobs of red ink trying to mate with minding-their-own-business blue flowers. flowers? ink blobs? sea urchins? somebody please tell kambli that he's on a sticky wicket here. he can probably still wield a mean bat, but that fashion sense of his is hardly going to bowl the maidens over.

like daughter, like mother

when it came to choosing between hema malini and esha deol, it's always been a no-contest. until now. it looks like hema malini ran into a zebra. who was then split into two by a leopard. dyed in blue. and all this happened while she was--and still is--sleep-walking. why, oh why, must all our beloved ones bring on such hallucinations from time to time?

adam who?

ladies and gentlemen, please welcome adam bedi. adam who? bedi, as in kabir bedi. yes, the same kabir (of "peecha karo" fame from 007's octopussy) who has also fathered pooja bedi, although she probably owes thanks to her mother's peerless combination of sass, charisma and umm...natural gifts. bereft of such luck, adam has resorted to some other tactics to vie for attention. like a little shoe polish on his chin. an oh-so-1940's-hot tarzan haircut. loose, shiny, polyester-ly silk purple-pink shirt over tight black pants. oh, and a ghost hand on his shoulder (i couldn't resist that...that last thing is a result of my cropping). in any case, now that you have feasted your eyes, it's time to move on. what? you're still reeling from the shock?

shetty meets govinda by way of quilting club

what on earth is aditya pancholi wearing? and how does he even think it's fit for public consumption? and while we're at it, what's with the extreme depilation? his billiard ball imitation seems to have been undertaken by means of a laser. notice the flared nostrils and the still blistering upper lip? it looks highly painful. but at least it's taking some attention off his rags-to-ridiculous shirt that even govinda would have discarded before his neta days. and further, as continuing proof that clothes no longer come with pockets, aditya totes his cell phone as his ostensible on-the-go wrist flexer. tch tch.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

why singers are behind the scenes

and the award for best dressed male goes to: subhash ghai.
what? you thought sonu nigam would get it? for that size B figure hugging, low and curvy shirt? or for that ugly wrist band that might also be a watch on which he probably doesn't know how to tell time? perhaps you were thinking of his all-denim pseudo-chaps? which clearly have at least four front pockets, each of which could easily fit his not too bulky but annoyingly hand-clutched cell phone? then again, there's hardly any breathing room visible in those jeans even for...well, you know what i'm talking about.
oh, who are we kidding about sonu nigam knowing anything about fashion? you know, what they say about children is true for playback singers too. in exactly the opposite way. they should only be heard, and not seen.

spotted disaster

dear celina,
yes, it looks as awful from behind as you might imagine. no, the leopard is not coming back to life and biting your behind, but i wish it could. and for heaven's sake, what is with that whip around your back? if you don't watch out, they'll tie a goat around a tree and try to bait and trap that leopard wrapped around you. not that that's not a good idea. at least the public would be rid of a menace. oh, and i'm not talking about the leopard either.
yours sincerely.

dracula's bride

what. was. amisha. thinking?
that the count of translyvania would step out of his coffin and give her the kiss of death? (that would have been merciful for us.) that painting herself as a pantomime is a good party face? that somehow her lips are better than angelina jolie's? maybe she should have kept her hair dyed blonde. at least that would have taken the attention off her face. which, right now, looks like a freshly molded plastic doll with crayons for make-up. overdosed on botox.
if only that uncle, i mean boyfriend, of hers were in the vicinity. again, he would have eased the pain by turning the cameras towards his wrinkles.
oh, where is dracula when you need him?

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

now you see her, now you don't

i bet you didn't recognize mandira bedi in her camouflage ensemble. oh wait, you can see her face. darn! somebody should have told her to lower that scuba-diving mask onto her eyes and not just keep them perched on her head. then we would have been spared this haunting vision.

"misfit: when miss india knows no fashion"

neha dhupia, the 2002 miss india and aspiring starlet (nickname "chhotu") has featured in some forgettable flops such as "rakht: what if you can see the future," "miss india: the mystery," "qayamat: city under threat," "kya kool hai hum: no, not me, the others," and "garam masala: it needs a little ajwain" (source:, self). none of those apparently did anything to her presence on the popularity charts or her fashion i.q. stilletto boots? with too-short tights? over a gauze kaftan? showing off a sports bra? come, neha, even you can do better than this.

bobby, oh bobby!

granted his brother has cornered the "can't dance for nuts, can bash up whole armies single-handedly, and all this without acting" title for keeps. but does that mean bobby needs to go to the other extreme from macho? a pink shirt with folded half-sleeves and double breast pockets? slicked-back hair that's about to slide off his head? a come-hither look that would make silk smita envious? and i will not even mention the curvy eyebrows...oh, i just did. come, bobby, even you can do without it. why, you've had so many noticeable movies lately, like....umm...give me a know what? you can look it up on

blasts from the past

i doubt highly if varsha usgaonkar ever laid claim to be a fashion maven. but even by her low standards, this ensemble has tacky written all over it. frilly lace blouse? high v-neck? oversized shades slung from tacky high v-neck frilly lace blouse? and what is that thing in her hand? it looks the size of your average international check-in baggage. surely she doesn't think that is a purse? dear varsha, please crawl back into whatever piece of woodwork you just came out of.

nagma's certainly looking better (read "slimmer") than she used to look in her hey-days (read "when she's used to be roly-poly and rolling around in the hay" days). but then, there was only one direction her body could go: down. her fashion sense though, seems to have stayed where it was then (we'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she does possess sense, fashion or otherwise).
fashion faux pas #1: nobody wears a knotted blouse these days. they don't even wear a knotted shirt, unless of course they're manisha koirala on one of her "i want to be frumpy" days.
fashion faux pas #2: once knotted, the only reason you'd try to hide behind a gi-normous shawl-pretending-to-be-scarf is if you have something to hide. i will refrain from commenting on things rotund.
fashion faux pas #3: the worst accessory of them all: a tired half-smile.
but you know what, compared to sheeba (read on below), nagma might as well have stepped out of the haute-est couture houses in the world.

looks like sheeba mistook fishin' for fashion. the fishing net draped over her torso apart, notice the fish scales on her purse. and surely those are fish eyes on her earrings? looks like there's one piece of fashion advice someone forgot to give her: wear this outfit if you must, but don't go fishin' for compliments in it.

anil se darna zaroori hai

of late, anil kapoor has been showing off some funky new avatars (in chocolate, my wife's murder, musafir, etc). but i didn't think his "i just woke up after a night of revelry and i didn't brush, shave, or comb my hair; and i put on several of my daughter's shirts and her shades" look was intended for the public. i mean, the only logic i can see to his look is that he was trying to match the hair color of the guy behind him. dear anil, we had forgotten that you were all of 47 years old. until now. please don't give us any more reminders of it.

Monday, January 16, 2006

hrithik: the horror continues

daboo ratnani (the guy whose shoulder hrithik has his arm around, the fashion photographer) must be thanking his stars (no pun intended) that he shot hrithik (with a camera, darling) before rahu and ketu entered into his gruh and warped his fashion sense. hrithik himself now has to resort to pointing to himself and trying to convince people that it really is him. but not even a monkey cap can hide his oiled locks now. as for prescrption glasses on a thread, dear hrithik, they belong on 20th century fashion-challenged social misfits. which, if that's who you think you are, please send out a memo officially letting us know about the same.
yours sincerely.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

still no lakshya in sight

ladies and gentlemen, presenting the hottest new trend in guy's couture: lace banians. couple them with a parachute-oiled and slicked back mullet, unkempt beard and jeans that are neither baggy nor form-fitting, and voila! you have hrithik still stumping you in trying to figure where exactly he's going with his life.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


is bebo trying to blend into the background? that tired old bedsheet goes a long way towards doing that, but honey, that in combination with your sucked-in face stand out like a dried-out carrot against a sack o'potatoes. and while we're on that, what's with the mirror-work on your jeans? and for heaven's sake, you're surely carrying a purse? so put that bulky remote control (oh is that your phone?) into it! and if you're into accessories, i think you can do far better than grab someone's chainlink fence and wrap it around that bedsheet.