i used to have a crochet on lara...

...but then she went knitted herself a new look with it.
although my sources tell me that she merely took her grandma's table mats and stuck them back and front. considering her husband turned out in jeans for arguably the industry's most paparazzi-friendly event, she figured she wasn't going to try too hard, i guess.

table for one

neha dhupia seems to be all set for the after-party dinner.
table cloth: already wrapped around waist.
lace runner: dude, are you bling or something?

i guess if she's going to use both those things after, it's safe to say it's going to be dinner for one.

self hi maine le li aaj

sometimes it takes a critic (i'm not dignifying myself with that title) to take down what stars try to pass off as couture.

sometimes--like with kalki and her camera-printed night suit here--woh khud hi apni le lete hai.

aaaaaaaaaaa! chic nahi banaya

himesh reshammiya has answered that age-old question:
what do you do with all the badges you ever collected from school onwards? why, put it on your jacket, of course.

that, along with torn jeans and silver sneakers means, dear himesh, that nobody is going to want to sing jhalak dikhla ja to you. 

bhat ya? bhat kinda fashion tamannaah is this?

some people desire to get on to the red carpet in a dream lbd.
others desire to be draped by a designer of their dreams in the most stunning gown ever.
but it takes a special kind of tamannaah to want to buy a sequin curtain from the sarojini nagar market and turn that into your red carpet skirt.

ivy league fashion

i can't quite put my finger on what it is with this outfit.
is it that sonam is wearing a gauze curtain cloth?
or that she looks more wax than model?
maybe it's...ya, i think, it's the fact that she likes a trellis window with ivy growing all over her that's creeping me out a just a little bit.

fitted for the occasion

what do you do when you have a photo-op for an event that's about being the best dressed but all you have is gladiator shoes and ... fitted sheets?

we've all been there.
we open the wardrobe and we can hear the wail welling up: "i have nothing to wear!"

well, folks, you need to stop being whiny and be resourceful like richa chadha.

first you take one site of the fitted sheet and make one layer. then you take the other side and then the third. you don't even need the fourth side.

and, voila.

imported from lajpat nagar

i think adah sharma is an escaped mannequin from home saaz in lajpat nagar / delhi.

i know what you're thinking.
"it's possible that she's wearing a curtain but even someone like her can't be wearing a pink curtain, can she?"

you don't know delhi people's tastes (i know that's a strong word), do you?

but i'm glad you at least didn't question why a home furnishing store would have mannequins draped in rugs and curtains. in case you still need proof of that (beyond adah sharma's picture above), this is from home saaz's website (incidentally, their slogan is "satisfying the soul..."):

karan tackier

who the heck is that, you're probably asking, and why is he even featured here (or maybe you're not asking that).

karan tacker is one of those now-you-see-him now-you-don't kind of television actors.
and true to form, he's trying his hardest to become an optical illusion here. and while doing so, he's working the "tackier" into his name quite efficiently.

all in all, we're probably better off when he's in his now-you-don't-see-me mode.

origami carpet

main hoon gupta rani
badi sayani.
but even i am puzzled
as to what i've rustled
to wear on the green carpet
it looks to me like it's a carpet
although you might think it's origami.
batao, is mein to kuch nahi hai na kami?

one for the kritical kare unit

kriti s.: mooooommmmmmm! i don't know what to wear!

k's mom: beta, kuch bhi pehen lo.

k: like what?

m: pehle to banian type kuch pehen lo.

k: done.

m: i meant andar wala. aur bas dekh lo your jeans don't have any holes in them.

k: done. and done.

when your reputation is hanging by a thread...

...you bring in the duct tape.

what? you don't know this fashion secret?
clearly, kanika kapoor did. so what if her dress was coming apart and looking like a web made by a spider with arthritis?

dhupia mein nikla na karo roop ki rani...

...gora rang kaala na padh jaaye.

arey, yeh kaise ho gaya? main toh indoors hoon.

koi baat nahi. diyar readers, this is my gift to you. see? i have even put a nice bow to it.

from left to right: the stars of heropanti, herocoati

the thing about jaggu dada is that you can be pretty sure that his answer to "what were you thinking?!" will almost always be "thinking? what is that?"

but you can hear this conversation between father and son:

jackie: ji, haan, bhidu. sochna ka kaam, sochna ki kshamta, maine yeh donon hi cheezein tiger ko kabhi sikhaaya nahi. kyonki yeh kabhi mere bus ki baat thi hi nahi. ha ha ha ha. don't 'coat' me on that. ha ha ha ha ha ha.

tiger: dad.

sofa not so good

i have a feeling somebody forgot to tell radhika this was an event to celebrate the best dressed. 
or maybe this is how the conversation went into creating her outfit.

radhika: kya yaar, i don't know what's appropriate to wear for this event.
her mother: wahaan jaake karna kya hai?
radhika: kuch khaas nahi, bas baithna hai.
mom: agar baithna hi hai to yeh lo, there's this leftover cloth from the last time i re-upholstered our sofa. isi se kuch banwa lo.
radhika: haan, yeh apte.

what the oyster left behind

that hairstyle seems to be inspired from a certain sequence from "there's something about mary."
and that's not even the worst part of kat's outfit at what was supposed to be an outing to vie to be among the most stylish in the country.

because kat seems to have visited a bath and sanitaryware outlet before she stepped onto the red carpet.

"bhaaya," i can hear her saying in an accent that is now co-opted by south delhi girls, "ek mother of pearl wash basin dikha dena. aur uske saath matching shower curtain."

curtains call

but but but i have seen shows even on broadway in new york where they get standing ovations when it's time for the curtains call. i know that they are applauding their elaborate costumes. i know you would also give bouquets to them. why are you giving me brickbats now? what do you mean there's a difference between a curtain call and curtains call?

how to cut a sari figure: parts 1 & 2

the first one, i can still try and find an explanation for.

"shilpa, you're up for a photo-up. stop whatever you're doing and wear some nice shoes and a belt or something and pose."

it's a different matter that the "whatever you're doing" that she stopped doing happened to be ghar ka poccha at that moment.

but the second one.
as the kids these days say, i cannot able to.

the sari is one of the most elegant things ever. but shilpa has managed to shetty all over it.

dear shilpa: kitaabein bahut si padhi hogi tumne, magar koi sari fashion ke baare mein padha hai?

hose line is it anyway?

jacqueline (panicky, to her wardrobe team): there's a run in my stocking! and i have to get on the red carpet now!! what do i do???

wardrobe team: not to worry. we tear it here and here and there and on the other side. now wear some stockings on your arms and we'll put some runs in there too to match. where's that bappida-sized stocking? ah, here it is. now wear this over your dress. we'll match that too. also, take the canopy from that umbrella out of its shaft. no no, we're not going to use the shaft, just the canopy. there's a proper skirt now. you're all set. go go go!

nightiemare on m street

this mukherjee might have been rani at some point, and assuredly, she never ever had all her fashion marbles assembled in one place. but this?

no, rani.
that "bachche ki jaan loge ka" look isn't going to let you off the hook.

oh, and that other, non-nightie avatar isn't helping either.
what exactly is that?
kabhi kabhi alvida keh do aise fashion ko. kyonki hamein kuch kuch hota hai--and not in a good sense, before you jump to conclusions.

yeh kaisa karisma hai?

i don't usually post pictures of the same outfit more than once, but this picture:

made me think of this:

we all owe an apology to bappi da

wallahi, waluscha,
before you or anyone else calls him a luccha
be aware: it looks like you have sold
all your possessions for this drape of gold.

you might think what bappi da wears is tawdry
but let me tell you, you are no audrey
(hepburn, in case you were wondering) either
because that lahiri is the original goldie haaaaw'n, in any weather.

no thanks giving for this turkey

i had assumed until now that deepika could do no wrong, at least when it comes to her sense of style.
clearly, i was wrong.

that turkey around her neck now.
there's an eloquent millennial phrase that best describes it, i think:
facepalm.

why did the zebra cross the arora?

imma like a diva
imma like a fisha
imma like a mermaida
imma like a zebra
imma like a difimerbra.

you think that doesn't make any sense?
i think the same thing about what she's wearing.

as to why the zebra crossed the arora, here's the answer:
because it khan.

weed didn't start the fire

dude, ranbir, we know you're not having much success with your movies (and your dad is yelling at your producers and directors for it) for a few years now.

but that doesn't mean you have to take up gardening.
and even if you did, you didn't need to make it so obvious, with that cap.
and the boots.
and the distressed look on your face. and your jeans.
we know there's nothing more you'd like at this point than a joint or four...we mean...a hit or four...we mean...you know what we mean.

koffee, and cupcakes, and streamers, and confetti, with karan

i guess it kinda suits him, this candy floss confetti glued on to his suit look, i mean.
after all, he is the creator of the candy floss and chocolate hero genre in india.
those shoes though...

folding instructions: not included

even if she doesn't demolish the red carpet, alia usually pulls of most of her looks spectacularly.
over here though, it looks like her designer decided to try an origami frog with the curtains from the green room, got distracted by her eye make-up and abandoned the whole thing half way. 

ganapati bappi, more ya!

what has been said about bappi da's blinginess that hasn't been said before?
this blog has always been a fan of his since time immemorial.
this blog can never have enough of bappi da.
and as long as there is bappi da, there will never be a shortage of bling on this blog.

more ya, re, bappi, more ya, re!

who shot the shroff...i mean...sheriff?

i'm a straight shooter. there are a lot of people who can shoot from the hip. and i've got the holsters ready for them.
but how many people hip people can shoot in the first place? i'm the only one.
and you know what else i'm ready for? to take potshots.
i've got the pot. i call the shots. what do you have?

yeh bandana, this jaggu dada never fails to liven things up.

one flew over a butterfly's nest...

...to unravel a thousand unused rakhis after a poor raksha bandhan sale and be reborn as karisma's dress.

k.k: holla, wait up a sec. that is not...ok, fine, maybe it is what you're saying it is.

a.a.: huh? butterflies? on my dress?

the jury is still out on who is looking more cuckoo.

k.k.: me, me, pick me!

how to wax un-eloquently

dear raveena,
madame tussaud's called.
they want their statue back.

it's a bird. it's a bat. it's a cheetah. it's....

sure, that's a jean paul gaultier dress.
sure, that's sonam kapoor in it.
sure, there are bat wings in it.
sure, there are cheetahs hidden in the folds.
sure, she's going to flap her way out of this fiasco.
sure, it's probably got some folks going chee...

wait, that's it.
it's a chee-bat, that's what it is.

international integration

hair color from the western hemisphere: check.
authentic kerala mundu instead of petticoat: check.
splash guard cloth from paint studio (location unknown): check.
blouse made from checked towel from madras: check.

pyar se dar nahi lagta, sahib. fashion se lagta hai.

tinker, tailor, soldier, i spy

karan: "masterji, yeh kaisa suit hai?"

tailor master: "sirji, maaf karna, kapda thoda kam pad gaya."

k: "arey masterji, magar isme to collar bhi nahi hai. yeh kaise pehen loon main?"

masterji *desperately looking around *: "sirji, yeh madam ko curtain pehna do. sabki nazar unhi pe rahega aur koi nahi notice karega ki aap unke security guard nahi ho."

khana...err...fashion khazana

alyona: honey, remember we're going to walk the ramp. it's a fashion show. not a cooking show.

a little while later.

...

alyona: * trying hard not to facepalm * is that a channi you're wearing as a pendant?

sanjeev kapoor: i have a cooking show right after and the atta is waiting to be sifted. 

gucci gucci hota hai

chhodo kalki baatein, you might advise me.
but not when her couture is like this.
gucci it may be, but it's...let's see...

eat your sushi you should eat your sushi fresh
it's the picture of a thousand jellyfish
it's the freedom of a thousand pickled ginger pieces
baby eat your sushi fresh.
(in case you weren't already doing it, sung to the tune of mltr's paint my love)

sigh. the iifa awards are a gift that keep on giving.

count (me out) dracula

there once was a count

from the land of transylvania

who had a strange mount

with what looked like two large crania.

this gigantic arachnid, yes, it was a spider,

was a black and white tarantula.

one day, the count on the mount spied her

this strange version of himself, dracula.

and even though she didn't wear a bindi

he thought to speak up a bit in hindi.

"Pointy ears, pointy collars, black nails, yaani

arey, yeh to woh hai, model--kya naam hai--gupta, haan, sayani."

beswara bhaskar

oh swara, i know you were trying to hit the high notes with this outfit, but it feels so off-key in so many ways.

that ruffle now. what were you thinking? that you had just walked out of a downton abbey set?
and that lampshade--i'm not sure if ikea would carry that even if you sold it back to them on olx or some such site.

knowing you though, you probably gave yourself nil battey sannata for this number. hopefully.

slinky secrets

which came first, the slinky or the slinky dress?
i think the more important question is: how did karishma fit that slinky over her dress?
that's one incredible feat of flexibility.
i said flexibility, not fashion.
or maybe she slipped on multiple hula hoops...no, i think i'll stay with the slinky.

phoolan meets bappi da

this is 2017.
this was at the vogue beauty awards.
it must mean that anita shroff adajania knows something the rest of us bourgeois don't.
that phoolan (before her member of parliament-turned-buddhist avatar) and her sense of cutting edge style from the chambal ravines is very much still in vogue.
bappi da's immmortal penchant for the colors of el dorado are of course never going to go out of style.
i guess adajania is on to something here.

fashion by the flintstones. sheepish smile by shamita shetty.

it looks like something the whitewalkers might have dragged in.
or just something that scar from lion king left lying around after he was done with the shenzi, banzai and ed, the hyenas. we're just glad we don't have to smell it.

because it seems like shamita forgot the "great" in the old axiom "great fashion is timeless."

a fabric-ated tevar

varun: bhai, tu chal, picture ki screening hai aur photo op milega wahan.
arjun: dude, i don't have clothes.
v: bhai, chal idhar suiting ke kapdon ki dukaan hai, kuch toh mil jayega.

5 minutes later. arjun wearing a thaan of fabric like a really bad upper body sarong.

arjun kapoor for raymond.
the incomplete man.

check, please.

ayushmann to tahira: bae, let's play matching matching today.
tahira: done.
a: ok, let's take stock.

tablecloth saree: check.
checks that ran away from the saree and married the t-shirt: check.
chocolate donut earring: check.
glasses shaped like donut moulds: check.
sneakers: matching matching!

(i have to admit--despite all the tackiness--which, i love, beeteedubs--a & t are clearly having fun and don't seem like they give a damn who thinks what of their couture). 

aashiqeeeeeeeee 2

a leading ornithologist has confirmed our suspicions.

according to noted bird expert salman ali, birds show their displeasure on most occasions by p**ping on something or someone (not necessarily a statue--although, come to think of it, that might explain the constipated look on most bollywood stars' wax statues in madame tussaud's).

but on some rare occasions--such as a shraddha kapoor fashion faux pas--they have been known to walk first in red clay and then all over that...thing that caused the faux pas in the first place.

the jury is still out on whether salman ali is referring to shraddha kapoor or her dress as being the "thing" that the birds walked all over.

tapsee turvy

tapsee pannu: "ma, i'm heading out now. i'm going to be on a show with rajiv makhni."

tapsee's ma: "are you meeting him for lunch?"

tapsee: "yes, ma, but.."

tapsee's ma: "ok, wait, let me just tuck a napkin in your dress. you're wearing white, you don't want to spill anything on it."

tapsee: "ma!"

tapsee's ma: "let me tuck another napkin into your tummy..."

tapsee: "..."

tapsee's ma: "...and around your legs...just in case."

those legs are obliged to...no, they aren't. they are duty-free.

you know those fishnet thingies they put your bottles in when you buy them from the duty-free shop at the airport? who knew they had more than one purpose?

well, clearly, amrita arora did, didn't she?

ishtardust finds the resurrection stone

at the entrance to ravenclaw's common room, luna lovegood is asked this question:
"which came first, the phoenix or the flame?"

luna's wisdomous answer, of course, is:
"a circle has no beginning."

i'm going to take refuge in the same logic as this blog finds its sixth life.
and i'm reassured that no matter how much the gap between the lives, it does come back to life eventually.