hair alert: severe

a few days back, i had devised a completely original and ingenious system of advising the public of hair horror attacks of unimaginable proportions. (i was very disappointed to recently learn that some obscure government agency called the department of homeland security uses a similar system to alert the public of potential terrorist attacks.) as it turns out, that warning about zayed's horrific hirsute situation turned out to be not an isolated incident. in light of this new, startling, alarming and continuing evidence, i have no alternative but to raise the hair horror alert level to severe. ladies and gentlemen, i believe we have a problem of king-kongish proportions here. the public is advised to gaze at zayed at its own risk.

warning: photoshopped fake ahead

darlings, word is that there is a mallika sherawat look alike doing the rounds these days. sans make-up, and with clothes that cover her body. in multiple layers. and so artless is this fake that she goes around with a name tag plastered on her jacket. i mean, are we so gullible that we are to believe that mallika--she of towel fashion fame, of myth-ical proportions--would ever present herself in public and so shamelessly cover herself up? i am going to uncover this mystery, my friends. stay tuned.

international house of pancakes comes to india

ila arun, she of the gargantuan bindis, garish costumes and guttural groans passing off as song, was never seriously going to give kate moss or even our own deepika padukone a run for their fashion sense. but here, darlings, she seriously takes the cake. or should i say pancake? because, what else can explain that mud pie on her visage? and all that pewtery fake jewelry? darling, take a page out of bappi "the bling king" lahiri if you want to adorn yourself with "gorge your eye out" accessories. and avoid the re-melted stainless steel look. oh, and if i were you, i would wash that film of dirt off my face first, excuse my bluntness.

is chunky funky?

the rest of ms. mirza is, quite unlike our previously-featured, multi-chinned (minus one) walking bling factory, not at all chunky. what i'm curious about is whether those king-kong sized shades are hiding some grocery-bag sized droops under the eyes or was it just a case of sever fashionitis? in any case, someone ought to tell her that oversized scuba diving gear is not needed when breathing the air above ground. then again, if mumbai air doesn't suit her delicate constitution, she should at least attach an oxygen tank to her scuba goggles.

diet bappi?

is it the slightly long-distance shot? is it the overdose of talcum powder? is it the red vest? whatever it is, this seems to be bappi lite, as slimmed down a version of our favorite lahiri as you have ever seen. yes, there is now one chin less to be accounted for by the equation (# of overfed subsaharans x gold production in kinshasa = bappi lahiri + 3 tummies + 13 chins). but fear not, the quantity of bling on bappi's body has gone up to more than compensate for the apparent optical illusion of weight loss in our favorite bengali plagiarist, oops, i mean, music director. does he or does not make a striking picture, ladies?

hair horror advisory system

first it was hrithik, then jackie shroff, then bobby deol. and now, zayed. it certainly seems now as if there is a systematic ploy to destabilize the gazing public by thrusting all types of hirsute horrors upon them. i am taking it upon myself right now to devise and issue a hair horror advisory system that will provide the public adequate warnings of such impending hairy attacks.

LOW: low risk of gorilla-like hair growth
GUARDED: not yet an unshorn pomeranian, but close to m.f. hussain's follicle follies
ELEVATED: significant risk of hair growth to levels of anil kapoor's body hair
HIGH: high risk of ignoring the existence of barbers and hair stylists
SEVERE: king kong is here

zayed, alarmingly enough, seems to have come out of nowhere and emerged in the HIGH risk category. the public may be alerted to the fact that they can use any instrument at hand, including garden shears, to alter the hairscape of said subject so that no further horrors may be inflicted upon them.

the fallacy of bhagat singh

i'm pretty sure if the director of "the legend of bhagat singh" had seen bobby like this before casting him, he would've gone for his stiffer-but-more-macho brother for the role instead. was bobby trying to blend into the theme that those heart-shaped balloons in the backgroun played out to? maybe he just delivered some flowers and kept the wrapping paper to cut into a shirt? oh, and it looks like he could still use some help locating a fine coiffeur. here, take.

talcum powder. or else!

these UUFOs are actually bright little stars and starlets in tollywood and kollywood. and the reason they're bright is because they forgot to put on their talcum powder (now you know why they do it). but that's not why i feature them here. ignore the pink-sheathed one for now. i mean the one in the middle. what do you think the pink-shirted one was thinking? that he could steal his grandmother's dining table cover, have his tailor convert it into a chemise and all would be kosher? talking of grandmothers, did our UUFO-in-white-on-the-right steal her hair idea from that same grandmother? i mean, ringlets from scarlett o'hara's era? i know that fashion-wise, the south still is a couple of centuries behind bollywood, but still, ringlets????

trashion with UUFO

garbage bags seemed to be one of the themes of the day at the poonawala derby recently. have a dekko at this uufo, for example. i couldn't have tied a better knot on a Glad trash bag. I didn't know they come in that attractive blue color though. and, i must admit that her "hat" could also be a ziploc bag, or a mini-trash bag, the kinds you use in the office or bathroom.

a slip of the slip

is that urmila? didn't she used to have better fashion sense? phato-ed jeans are one thing. patches came and went too. but lace? on jeans? was she infected by shekhar "transparent lace shirt" suman's fashionitis? if she really wanted to get away with it though, she should've worn a face mask, although those gargantuan glasses almost do the job.

the bad-shah of blah blah fashion

ladies and gentlemen,
lace is in. especially transparent lace. especially when it's paired with a many-holes-in-one pair of ragged jeans. especially if you're the king of kitschy talk shows. then again, shekhar suman is a one-in-a-billion motormouth. so i doubt his variety of fashionitis is infectious. then again, if the options on the rack beside him are any indication of his choices, he probably couldn't have done any worse than with what he has on now.

jackie "out-of-mind" shroff's out-of-body experience

zaheer abbas looks exactly as i pictured he would: dapper, well-dressed and assured in his style. can't say too much about m'lady either. however, jackie shroff is a study in disaster, if there ever was one.
whose body did he think he was in? just because he has long, ugly hair like hrithik doesn't mean other bodily characteristics transfer to him by default. a paunch-hugging jacket does not a middle-aged belly flatter. and scuba shades would be better used to cover up the windbags under the eyes. and what is with that hair, man???? in case you missed it, here are links to more than a dozen barbers in and around mumbai. go see one, and send me the bill if you like. but please, spare us the torture any longer.

he has gold, but no clothes

first it was maria goretti here and here who couldn't afford clothes. now it appears that bappi lahiri only has money to cover his body with gold but not with a different set of clothes. look at him here in december 2005. and then look at him here (above) a couple of days back at the filmfare awards. i can think of two explanations for this: (1) when he retires at night, by the time he takes off all his bling, he's tired himself out too much to change his clothes. (2) his, umm, proportions don't allow his clothes to be taken off.
maybe someone needs to take a pair of scissors and help him out of those clothes. at least for the sake of the person of indeterminate gender next to him. then again, maybe that's just desserts for whoever that is. serves him/her right for turning up like that at an awards show.

and the award for the best bathroom fashion goes to...

it's a gauze caftan. no, wait, it's a gauze bathrobe with a rickshawalla belt as a special accessory. with the rickshawalla's t-shirt and lungi underneath. yeah, yeah, i know alisha is not a model or actress. all the more reason for her to get some expert advice so she doesn't end up looking like a rickshawalla who's just won the lottery and comes straight out of the bathroom to pick up an award.