UUFO: bling unlimited

o. mi. god.
it's a badge badge badge world, guys. take a cue, but not his badges. otherwise he'll unleash himself from the many chokers around his neck and lasso you into submission.
ladies, please send out a note to bappi lahiri and rekha that their position as the supreme dork of goldness has been usurped by a UUFO.
multiple golden leashes. gold pants. and matching golden pointy shoes.
'nuff said.

ode to shapelessness

hey diddle diddle,
how about a riddle?
i don't want to sound an alarm,
but what happened to bhansali's arm?
i've heard of many a rip-off,
but i think the man needs a tip-off
that he's been had by his tailor.
oh, and as if it was a trailer
to rani's couture, and pardon me if i'm in the dark, uh,
but isn't that a burkah
that seems to have slipped a few inches
further down into the trenches?
what will we think of next,
i wonder, under fashion's pretext.

will the real hrithik please stand up?

there was a time when hrithik exuded charisma effortlessly. now you have to wonder what he does everytime you see his pic. whereas here, kunal kapoor is coolness personified, transitioning his rang de basanti's aslam persona effectively into real life.
whereas you don't really know what hrithik is doing. whispering sweet nothings to kunal? digging for gold? trying to attract attention to his unkempt oily locks (how did those come back???!!) and thus, away from his pink sport jacket. or vice versa. i mean just look at the man.
is this what krrish has done to him?

amisha's idea of a blonde joke

the thing about amisha is that she seems to be timeless sometimes. as in, this would be horrible couture no matter what is au courant. it's what bappi lahiri would have come up with if he had turned his talent to fashion design. and then just to make a good thing even better, he would melt some of his bodily gold and use it to dye her hair. ye gods! looks like that's what he did here. somebody please verify for me that bappi is still sticking only to making noises and keeping gold merchants busy.

the softer side of munnabhai: the horror continues

what i had thought to be an isolated case of fashionitis (n., spontaneous combustion of any fashion-related brain cells) in sanjay dutt turned out not to be so. apparently sanju baba went to fashion street, churchgate, and subsequently, went berserk with his collar-baring batik-print blouse shopping. hopefully he knows that the clothes from fashion street are usually the use-once-and-throw varieties. if he washes and wears them again, we could be subjected to some navel-baring nightmares from munnabhai.

bebo watch

what's up with bebo these days? is it that she's scooped her cheeks hollow and has a hint of a horse neck upwards? or that she mistook dosa batter for foundation? or the fact that she took the top of her nightgown and turned it into a blouse/shirt? someone needs to talk to kareena before things careen out of control, don't you think?

uufo: are you in-duct-ed into the inner circle yet?

for the moment, just ignore the guy in the foreground and focus on the lady in black in the background. oops, i think i got my genders mixed up. my bad.

anyway, look at the uufo in black in the background. look at the eyes. i said the eyes, you lech. stop leering at the duct-zipper. you know you could never pull that look off. but you also know you want that duct tape so bad you'd just pull it right off your computer if you could. oh behave.

this just in: if you're not in duct tape, you're not in

turns out dear bobby deol is not the only one clued in to the fact that duct tape is the new silk. or whatever material was all the rage previously. notice the intricate frilly borders on suchitra's sweater. oooh, and don't miss the glossy ducty cuffs. they're so attractive, i almost missed how tired her jeans look. darlings, i'm going shopping for duct tape right now. and if i were you, i'd buy every color there is. unless you want to be seen in last season's bubble wrap.

bobby the birthday boy

just a few days before the little B's b'day bash, we spotted the stars all decked out at bobby deol's par-tay. apparently nobody told the birthday boy to dress up for his own bash. yes, you are usually allowed to do anything on your special day. but dyed newspapers and red duct tape don't really qualify as fashion. oh, and bobby, in case you need a good coiffeur, just look here.
p.s. if you want, you can pass those names on to a certain jackie shroff too.

apharan: the aftermath

ajay, ajay. it's okay if you don't want to attend a late night bash celebrating the junior B's 30th. but if you do drag yourself to the do, at least splash some h2o on those tired peepers and pretend not to be something the cat just dragged in. look alive, man! oh, and you know that men don't really need to accessorize all that much, don't you? especially not with the pillow you were just resting your wee head on. what happened? did apharan go to someone's head? were you kidnapped while napping? wakey, wakey!

*EMERGENCY*: arshad warsi too broke to buy maria a new outfit

first the dyed potato sack. then just a few days back, the multi-piece atrocity. and THEN, the same multi-piece atrocity, just a few days later. this picture above is from abhishek's 30th b'day bash. arshad warsi, it seems still has a few different shirts in his wardrobe, but not enough money in his bank to buy his poor wife a new outfit. what is the world coming to? if we don't set our own house right first, how can we eradicate poverty and hunger from the world? darlings, please contribute generously to the "buy maria a new outfit" fund. oh, and i think she won't mind patches and rags from your old dresses too. i'm sure she can stitch something together.
p.s. to give maria credit, she seems to have switched her ear ornaments. and ditched her pink poodle purse.

apex of fashion, circa. 1989

anybody remember the telugu hit gitanjali with nagarjuna as a gangster with leukemia? i didn't think you would. anyway, it set off a fashion trend that was all the rage then (hard to see that now of course) that juhi chawla seems to have finally caught up with. juhi, you've evolved to be a fine actress in the recent past (e.g. teen deewarein, my brother nikhil), but creative license doesn't mean you can extend a passing fad 16 years beyond its expiry date. after two kids, we know you're not looking to be glamorous, but don't you think you still have to exercise some restraint and show some responsibility towards your adoring public?

the myth: a different jackie is not a better jackie

ladies and gentlemen, jackie shroff is having a schizophrenic moment (apologies to psychologists for any non-p.c.-ness in that statement). he started out wanting to be informal. at least that's what i assume when he started putting on his jeans one leg at a time. but then he put on this jacket that can't quite decide if it's a sports jacket or not. it's too striped and too buttoned-up to decide. and then there's that red silk kerchief peeping out of the breast pocket. red? silk? in a buttoned-up striped jacket over jeans? what is that supposed to go with? his sleep-deprived eyes behind those hide-me shades? oh, and i think i'll just give up right here, right now on his ever finding a barber.

all the mistakes not to make in fashion: the abridged version

a couple of days back, we saw maria goretti, ex-vj, current w/o arshad warsi hanging really loose in a black sack'o spuds. that apparently was not an aberration on her part. here she gives us a quick lesson on every fashion faux pas you can make and how to make all of them at one go.
let's take it from the top.
#1: the smile's nice, not too fake, the hair could've been better, but why the bare neck?
#2: see that blue thing demarcating her torso from things below? what exactly is above it on her torso? it could be a pink spaghetti strap. or beginning of an orange cocktail dress. or a pinkish orange night gown. but let's not jump to conclusions yet.
#3: that blue thing encircling her. call me weird, but i think it's an upside-down papier-mache crown that has slipped a little along with her sense of what goes where on her body.
#4: remember that pinkish-orange apparition on her upper body? well, it continues below her blue crown, but this time it morphs into a yellowish-orange thing. that has a life of its own. so we don't know if it's the lower part of a dress, a patchwork of cloth that's saying "i want to be a skirt when i grow up, but she won't let me," or one of those maternity suits in the making.
#5: wait, that undefinable garment doesn't end there. in the front, it continues to the knee as a diaphanous thing that adds no value whatsoever to anything. in the back, it serves as a floor-sweeper, and aid-to-tripping when people behind you get too close for comfort.
#6: you know that maria used to have a pink poodle, right? well, the poor thing passed away recently, and maria was so attached to it, she couldn't bear the thought of parting with it, even when it went away to that great big poodle house in the sky. so she kept it with her. as her purse. which of course doesn't have any space for her 50-lb cell phone. that would be cruel to her poodle to be asked to carry a cell-phone on top of being dead.
maria, we might report you to the fashion police, but for your pet-concernedness, you can be sure i won't tell on you to the s.p.c.a. or p.e.t.a.

polka dots (plus) stripes = star (minus) class

are those even legitimate polka dots on his tie? or is that a self-design linked-lumps of coal design? the correct response to those questions of course is: whatever.
the real thing to look at is this: the only way this thing that anil kapoor has put together on his body can be worse than it already is now is if it were a hot pink. the suit is too tight around his armpits (gross to even have that body part come up when discussing your couture), too open around the less-than-perfect waist, and the pants look like he just stole them off of bozo the clown from gemini circus in borivili. although if they had truly been bozo's, they might have been that hot pink that anil couldn't find.
that age-old question pops into my head again: do stars not have fashion consultants for their everyday lives, when they're not acting? even more basic, do they not have an iota of fashion i.q. on their own?
don't bother answering that question.

the black sack

arshad, we loved you in tere mere sapne, in munnabhai, even in salaam namaste, and so we'd go to great lengths in pardoning fashion blunders of you and yours. and maria, we can love you just because you are married to arshad bhai. but we cannot forgive you for shoplifting a sack of potatoes, dyeing it black, and wearing it without even bothering to take the potatoes out of the sack. and then accessorizing it with hawaii chappals. how? what? why?

genus: spotted; species: choreographer

it's a leopard! it's an elephant! it's a modified leopard drape! it's a choreographer in leopard's disguise blowing her own trumpet! in any case, whether farah khan intended that atooriksha horn as an accessory or a distraction, it doesn't take away from the blur-inducing effect of her spotty sartorial taste. she has a sweet smile, she produced one of the funnest movies with SRK, is great with dancing. but does she have to imitate a skinned cheetah to make a fashion misstatement?

the softer side of munnabhai

where is a shawl when you need one? oh wait, it's the shawl that sanju baba has cut and paste into a...let me try again. it's a japanese garden silk screen painting that sanjay dutt has mauled into a...nope, that's not it. i know what it is. munnabhai went shopping for sanjay dutt and found a blouse that ended about an inch above his knees. that he had to tuck in. while sporting an off-shoulder collar that exposed his...ummm...pecs. and at the same time had sleeves that drooped over his arms as if there was something even uglier to hide underneath. that obviously could not be hid by hands clasped in front in modesty.
at least he has his cell phone in his pocket.

bappi lahiri, watch out

sometime back, when long lost twins bappi lahiri and adnan sami found each other again, i'd pointed out how the economy of a small african nation might be dependent on the amount of gold on bappi's ample body. it seems like madame rekha is out to outdo him. gold, as i pointed out to suzanne a couple of days back, goes with pretty much anything. but when you start wearing it like you're a walking fort knox, then it's easy to jump to the conclusion that you're better off locked up in a fortress rather than be let loose on an unsuspecting public. but much worse than the gold sari with the gold zari accessorized with gold bangles, a gold tikka, chunky gold necklace that would make an elephant's neck droop, and mammoth gold earrings that would prevent an elephant from flapping its ears is the coy, or if you prefer demure, look on rekha's face. for heaven's sake! this was not even her wedding, not that anybody is lining up to tie the knot with her right now.
then again, given her recent atrocious fashion track record, why should i suddenly raise the bar for her?

beautiful people

this, darlings, is one of those rare occasions when i take a little opaque bag and put it over my mean gene, temporarily suppressing it.
priyanka chopra has rarely had a fashion misstep that i have seen. here, she goes one step further, joining hands with a whole bunch of beautiful people and having herself a fun little time watching bluffmaster with them. alright, so maybe there was some element of shameless plug in it, considering she is the star of the movie. but in my book, anybody who will take out time for underprivileged children has inner beauty. and that, even in my black-hearted opinion, can make up for any fashion misstep. not that priyanka put any foot in the wrong place here anyway. you go, girl!

crowing glory

what on earth?
correction. this cannot be anything from earth. although there are two things that somehow resemble what ash has protruding from behind her head. the first is a gigantic, not to mention ugly, replication of hrithik's hexa-digital hand. the other is of course the more plausible explanation. somehow, ash seems to have mistaken crowing glory for crowning glory. i pity the ginormous rooster that is today bereft of its crown. for today there are two beautiful creatures bereft of their beauty: the rooster, bereft of its comb and hence its beauty, and ash, overloaded with that same comb, and hence bereft of her beauty. and if there is one more sentence in here that is not bereft of the word bereft, i will barf. not that ash's crowing glory is not already making me want to do just that.
p.s. thanks to Accidental Fame Junkie for pointing me to this atrocity.